For my bae, Yul <3
I couldn't find a gif of Penner saying that, but I did find this gif from the Ponderosa videos of that season, and it cracked me up.
(Note: the hashtags that you see in this story are supposed to mimic the ones that are on live television. You know, the ones in the bottom right corner of the television? Yeah, those ones. I mine as well throw this disclaimer just in case people get confused. Now, enjoy the critically acclaimed show’s 31st season. :))
The remote coastal islands of Cambodia welcome the next contestants of Survivor in Second Chances: Koh Rong for the 17 hour season premiere. #Survivor. All of the contestants exit out of the same limousine, with their goal for a million dollars in mind. All of them give their brief introductions:
Joe - “I’ve wanted to be on Second Chances ever since I was a little kid. I’ve been growing my hair out in preparation to make young women wet their panties in excitement, and I’m ready to be a smarter but less likable version of Fabio!”
Monica - “I’m a huge fan of Survivor, and there’s no one to take precedence over in the edit this time, so it should be better now.”
Spencer - “I’m the ultimate super fan. I’m probably going to get way too many confessionals this season, but that’s okay. CBS loves me way too much."
Kelly - "I played the first season of Survivor fifteen years ago, and I've grown a lot since then. Seriously, it was a long time ago. Fifteen years. Did I mention that I played Survivor fifteen years ago?"
Keith - "I came here to spit saliva and kick ass, and I'm all out of saliva! *Spits*"
Kelley - "I'm probably the most likely to win this season unless these people are smarter than they look. I didn't do a whole lot in my season, but I'm ready to come back and prove myself. Which shouldn't be too hard without my dad."
Stephen - "I don't think I can win unless I find my next JT. I mean, Joe's name starts with a J. And he has a lot of similar characteristics. Maybe he will be my new super bro? Find out next week!"
Kimmi - "I came here to be entertaining. That is my plan. People will probably drag me along. I don't know. As long as I make you laugh, I'm good."
Jeff - "If any guy is going to win this season, it's going to me. Because I was a modern survivor player in an old survivor season. Plus I am approachable and funny. My confessional game is going to be off the charts, bro!"
Kass - "I'm the first boot, I guarantee it. But you're damn right I'm going to massively piss some people off. Why? Because it's funny, numb nuts!"
Terry - "I am the original challenge beast. I found the first hidden immunity idol. I'm ready to do both of those things again. Watch out America. I'm about to fuck over your actual favorites on this cast."
Shirin - "I was kinda hoping Shane would be on this season so he could get really pissed at me, but it's okay. It shouldn't be hard to annoy other people. I mean, hell, I've divided the fan base in my first season! I can't wait to divide them even more!"
Andrew - "I was the leader of my own season, pretty much. Now, I'm probably going to lead the older women of America into frothing their loins."
Abi - "I learned a lot from my last game about perception, and from hosting mock survivor games with way too many contestants and illogical twists. I'm ready to put that knowledge to the test without an injured knee this time!"
Woo - "I'm one of the most mediocre characters and worst players to ever play this game. I can't wait to make you regret your decision to bring me back into the game."
Peih-Gee - "You know, over the past eight or so years, I've learned a lot about myself. My actual birth name, my potential, how hot I actually am. I'm ready to wear a small bikini and actually prove how attractive I am this time."
Vytas - "I was potentially a great villain in my first season, so America, get ready to have your expectations shattered as I go out in third place, disappointing everyone who votes me in."
Tasha - "I'm another challenge beast and a strategic mastermind, so strategic that everyone on the island with me didn't really like me much at the end of the game. Losers."
Jeremy - "Thanks for voting me in instead of the much superior Shane Powers. Are you ready for me to be a condescending whiner all game instead of an interesting & funny character? Damn right you are!"
Missy - "Even though a lot of people on my season didn't like me too much as a person, I think America loved me, so I just wanted to show up with my lovely daughter. She's here, but I'll talk for her, why not."
Ciera - "Even though America probably can't decide if I'm hot or not, I think I'm still here for a reason other than my body in a bikini. I mean, it's average, but I gotta prove myself as a competent player this time and not make moves too late. But I probably will and fuck up. Oh well. You're welcome."
These 19 Americans and one Brazilian will be battling the elements, themselves, the environment, and each other, to compete for the ultimate prize of one million dollars. Did we mention the prize that they will be playing for? Because it's a one million dollar prize. Did you catch that? Don't worry, we will only say it 12 times every episode. 39 DAYS. 20 PEOPLE. ONE. SURVIVOR!!
BAW WOOO OOOOOOOHHHHHHHH!!! EEE AH YOI, YOI, YAAH, YAH AH YEH AH YOI, YOI AH YAH AH, AH OH YA, AH OH YA, OH YE OI AH OI AH YAH AH! BUM, digidigi DUM, digidigi DUM, DA DA DUM!! #ThemeSong.
*Commercial break for the new shitty CBS sitcom.*
The first challenge starts as soon as they step foot in the beach and Jeff Probst questions them for twenty minutes, reminding everyone that Kelly hasn't played in 15 years and that they are playing for a million dollars. Kelly has a side confessional revealing that she hasn't played in 15 years, and Keith spits. The challenge is that everyone needs to run into the jungle, find two pairs of keys (there are 38 total scattered around), and they need to find their chests and open them. If they are matching items inside, they win. If they aren't, they need to find other keys. First two to find matching items wins. If you don't understand it, don't worry, it doesn't really matter. Kelly wins and Monica wins, and they are now captains to pick their new tribes. #SchoolYardPick.
Kelly doesn't give a shit and picks Jeremy, who immediately says how stupid she is in a confessional.
Monica picks Spencer, since they are fairly obviously in a pregame alliance.
Jeremy picks Kass, and praises himself for making such a brilliant move, and Kass calls him an idiot in her subsequent confessional.
Spencer picks Kelley, because they are obviously in a pregame alliance as well.
Kass then does eenie meenie miney mo, and that lands on Andrew. He struts on over to their mat as Jeff pats his ass, no homo of course.
Kelley then picks Jeff, because they are in a pregame alliance, but it isn’t obvious.
Andrew then picks Ciera, because, “She reminds me of my daughter.” Probst is then shown laughing and slips a hidden immunity idol into Savage’s pocket. Ciera, disconnected from her pregame alliance, expresses her anger in a confessional.
Jeff then picks Kimmi, because he had an argument with her that one time.
Ciera picks Joe so that Probst can have one clear team to always root for between Joe and Savage.
Kimmi picks Vytas because he does yoga, fuck if I know. She just picks him, okay?? Is that too much for you?!?! I mean, they're playing for a million dollars and they don't have food, so they make irrational decisions sometimes!! Is this too fucking complicated for you?!
Joe then picks Abi, because her ass is pretty big. It’s pretty big dude. Just look at it, man! Seriously. Joe explains in a confessional that he just picks her because she’s hot. Abi guesses that’s why Joe picked her as well.
Vytas picks Shontayla, because they’ve had a pregame alliance as well. Plus, look at her, bro. Just look at her!
Just when Probst’s boner couldn’t get any bigger, Abi picks Terry to be on their tribe. Probst is shown adjusting his khakis. #BonerTime.
Peih Gee then picks Stephen, because, yep, you guessed it, they have a fucking pregame alliance, stupid! Why else???
Terry then, having a very difficult decision, picks Tasha over Shirin. Shirin is shown being frustrated, but she expresses that she would have done the same in Terry’s position. Shirin is then obviously picked by Stephen, because he doesn’t have a choice, you dumb fuck!
But, for the first time in Survivor history, Shirin is allowed to pick instead of Tasha, and she decides to pick Woo, because dude, look at his fucking six pack. Shirin points this out to Probst, and he starts licking his lips. Which means that Tasha automatically picks Keith. Which pisses off Tasha. Why, you ask? Because Keith wasn’t in her pregame alliance, bozo!
Probst pulls out a bottle that is sealed, and says that it will be revealed at the end of the next challenge. He also reveals the tribe names. Kelly’s tribe is named, "Hrungahga," which means, “Bull fucker,” in the local language, while Monica’s tribe is named, “Bob,” named after someone who bought Probst a beer that one time. Bob’s colors are black to piss off SJWs, and Hrungahga’s colors are pink, once again pissing off SJWs.
Everyone walks back to camp, and as they do, Terry sees a stick poking out of the sand. He pulls on it, and at the end of it is attached a hidden immunity idol! #TerryOPPlzNerf. He reveals that there was a written clue on the inside of the limo, that was, “Yo, dumbasses, there’s a hidden immunity idol that’s attached to a stick in the sand. You should see it on your walk to camp, but Terry will probably find it, because the dude is smart as a scholar.” No one sees him grab the idol, however, because they all have no peripheral vision, bro. Don’t ask me.
*Commercial break for the new shitty CBS crime show.*
*A recap of the events transpired is shown. The tribes are: Hrungahga - Kelly, Jeremy, Kass, Savage, Ciera, Joe, Abi, Terry, Tasha, and Keith. Bob - Monica, Spencer, Kelley, Jeff, Kimmi, Vytas, Peih Gee, Stephen, Shirin, and Woo.*
Hrungahga is shown building their shelter, and Savage, Terry, and Jeremy all fight over who should build the shelter. Jeremy calls out Savage and Terry for being, “The stupidest fucking human beings on planet Earth,” in his confessional.
Savage, of course, singles out Kass and Ciera for being, “weaker than Russell’s social game,” which makes Ciera cry in her confessional as the solo, sad piano music plays in the background. She says that her mom always told her that her social game was as weak as Russell’s too, and Ciera’s kid says the same thing. She says she’s strong and that she will get over it though, and calls out Savage in her confessional, saying that his actions were out of line. Jeff Probst is then seen running towards her in the background, before flinging dirt in her face and then running away.#FuckCiera.
Abi butts in with Savage, Terry, and Jeremy, calling all of them morons. Jeremy then has a confessional saying, “How dare she call me out!! Does she know who I am?! And her claims are completely false!” But of course, he doesn’t say this to her face. He is then shown calmly keeping his composure in front of her.
Kelly is then medically evacuated from the game, for the fact that she needs surgery done. She hands her leadership responsibilities to Keith.
Keith says, “If you told me that I would be leadin’ a Brazilian, a black firefighter, an attorney, a handsome jewelry designer, and some of the most notorious challenge beasts in survivor history, I woulda told you that you were bein’ a dumbo!” He then laughs a bit and spits on the ground. #GetNaled.
Meanwhile, at the Bob camp, talks about pregame alliances are along the entire camp. Spencer, Kelley, Monica, and Jeff are looking for more potential people to add to their alliance, and Vytas, Peih Gee, and Stephen are shown debating what they should do, when the g.oddess Peih Gee comes up with the brilliant idea to combine alliances, leaving Kimmi, Shirin, and Woo on the outs. Spencer talks for five minutes about his childhood and how that has prepared him for the show. #SpencerIsBest. The next ten minutes are long shots of Kelley, Monica, and Peih Gee in bikinis, either sunbathing or just walking around. A scorpion is shown eating a snail or some shit. I can’t tell what that fucking thing is, get off of my back! #Metaphors.
*Commercial break for shitty new CBS TV movie starring that one guy from Star Trek. What’s his name?? Oh yeah, William Shatner. Yeah, that asshole.*
#RewardChallenge. A helicopter view of the next challenge is shown for 30 seconds. The tribes walk in, and Probst inquires about Kelly’s absence and how badly she needs a million dollars. “Where is Kelly? I mean, she’s been waiting for 15 years for another opportunity to win a million dollars!” Probst asks.
“I’m ain’t sure, Jeff, she had t’ get surgery or some’n. I’ve taken her leadership role though,” says Keith. He doesn’t spit this time though, oddly enough.
“Okay. Today, you’re playing for a reward. Fire, in the form of gasoline and matches, along with kerosene, propane, gunpowder, and a flamethrower. For today’s challenge, you are going to run into the water and then back out. Then the next person will run a little bit farther into the water and they will untie a series of 37 knots, releasing a box. They must swim that box out to a platform where they will use that box to open a larger box. Inside that box will be a crowbar to use on the first box. Once you open the small box, there will be seven keys inside. Then that person will race back, where the next person will solve a 200 piece jigsaw puzzle that will reveal a picture of Santa Claus cuddling with six kittens. They must memorize the colors of these kittens and run up a large platform and pick the six colors that the kittens were, but there will also be dummy colors up there to throw you off. Once you get that correct, the next person will go out to retrieve the keys, and they must throw those keys onto hooks on a platform even farther out into the water. If you miss, you have to swim down and retrieve them and try again. Once you finish that, the next person will use the letters of the six colors to solve a riddle. While this is happening, I will be reading off a script that has 91 separate numbers on it. While you are doing the challenge, you must listen to these numbers and repeat them back to me after the riddle is solved. One person will be counting to 100 while all of you do your parts as well. As soon as that person reaches 100, your tribe will win reward. Worth playing for?” Everyone, completely confused at the challenge, scratch their heads and look around.
Stephen and Ciera are the counters for their team, and Stephen’s anxiety fast-talking doesn’t help his team in the slightest. Ciera wins for her team. Jeff then pulls out the bottle, pops the cap off, and reads the note:
“Everyone except the designated leaders are now out of the game. You will all go to the final tribal right now, where you will vote between Keith and Monica.” Everyone’s jaw drops as the really dramatic music plays in the background. “For the first time in Survivor history, you won’t be participating at all in the game. Nothing you do matters. Everyone is going to die. God hates you. And you are playing for a million dollars, don't forget that. Keith, Monica, you guys now have a one in two shot at a million bucks.” #AudienceBlindside.
*Commercial break showcasing the next shitty CBS drama show, featuring Blake Lively, Andrew Garfield, and Demi Lovato.*
#FinalTribalCounsel. Keith and Monica sit in the two stumps in front of the fire. Probst says, “Welcome to your final tribal counsel, but the jury has better things to do right now. Keith wins unanimously. Monica, I’m sorry, but, it’s no contest. Keith is a g.od. You can’t beat him, even in your wildest dreams. Keith, congratulations, you are now the sole survivor, and the winner of one million dollars!”
Keith turns to Monica, with the biggest grin on his face, saying, “Now that I’m officially a millionaire, can I Nale you?” A laugh track plays as Monica turns to the camera, and raises her shoulders and arms with a confused look on her face. The audience laughs and starts applauding as the credits roll over her face as a jazzy version of the Survivor theme song plays. Fade to black.
-- One minute later --
#Reunion. The camera pans in at CBS studios in Los Angeles. Probst asks a kid what they thought of the season, and they respond by saying they like cookies. Probst then calls Boston Rob on his phone and casually talks about what he’s up to now, what Rob and Amber are doing with themselves, and gives them money advice before respectfully hanging up. He then checks in on Kelly’s plastic surgery, and she says that they totally botched it, even though she looks bangable again. Then Probst teases the next season:
“In order to follow up our most successful season, we needed to think of something to top it. A fresh new concept. Season 31 broke a metric fuckton of records, we’re pretty sure, and now, we’re aiming to break even more. Introducing, the all new, Survivor: Brains vs. Brawn vs. Beauty: Cambodia. Starts next February, only on CBS.”
He tells everyone that they should apply so they can be millionaires or some shit, they can bid on items on the show for charity, to hail our one true leader Nicholas Cage, and he concludes by pouring a pot of boiling hot water on the audience before the camera pans out and the credits roll, FOR REAL this time.
