I'm in bed next to the sleeping guy, and my mind is racing, dashing any chance of sleep left. And for the first time in what feels like months, it's not an insomnia of strategy, but of emotion.

I try my hardest to stay calm - as much as I try to be a rational, unemotional player, the one thing I've known from the beginning is still true:I can't avoid myself. My strengths, my flaws, my personality, my tfaith - these are the caRd I'm dealt with, and these are what I have to play with.

I've accepted that I'm hurt, dejected, and angry at myself. It is true; I shouldn't hide it from myself. But it's also true that it will pass.

And yes, I'm a bit bitter for now. I contemplated cutting myself off from Chronicles forever. But more strongly, I can't deny how much fun I had playing this game. Being bitter now doesn't change my experienced enjoyment of the past month or so.

I'm okay with being upset, because it will pass. I'm not going to blame anyone - we all played however we felt we needed to, and in the end, that's that. While I wanted to win, the only person in control of that was myself. So, all I can do is keep learning, keep trying. Have fun; enjoy the moments of laughter that come with the moments of sadness.

It's been fun; it's been real. Peace.

- Thomas

You probably shouldn't cut yourself off from Chronicles forever. :(

John @ 12/12/2014 13:59

You probably shouldn't cut yourself off from Chronicles forever. :(

I agree, John. But personally after every season I've played I want to quit orgs forever. I cant speak for Thomas, but by the end of a season I'm exhausted, paranoid, bitter, irrational, hate everyone, etc and want to kill the next person who tells me to sign up for another org. Especially in long term orgs like this one, if its a fun game its easy to get super invested. Which is great as it makes you have lot more fun playing and a better player. On the downside, these games last forever. I've pulled all nighters trying to figure out a clue to a hii that I probably didn't even need, which paid off in the moment but by the end shit like that takes a toll on you. I've spent a lot of time strategizing even outside of the game which gets draining after 30-something days as well. In addition, maybe its just cuz I'm a relative newbie and not yet jaded to these things (or Im insane. Thats possible too) but by being so invested everything gets magnified ten times over. I mean, you saw me last season freaking out that I was going to lose in FTC to super goat joe/teto. You put so much into the game that, by the end, even after winning I was tired, pissed off at everyone, and never wanted to have anything to do with orgs ever again. But, I've found that after a little time to recoup and take a step back, I realize how much fun I had playing. These games are so great because you never know what to expect, which makes them so challenging but also so rewarding. And sooner or later I'll (perhaps stupidly) sign up for another one of these roller coasters and start the process all over again.

So Thomas, I hope you play more orgs after this because you are awesome and Survivor is awesome.

And I've written way too much again. Story of my life.