Hey guys, sorry for dropping off in my confessional writing after the Yve vote. It was a combination of not much to say, preoccupation with the jury questioning and rites of passage, and just plain negligence. So sorry about that. To make it up to y'all I'm going to try and regain my head space from that time and also comment on the jury's reactions to me. So let's do it.

The Yve boot was bizarre, because she didn't scream at me, she didn't respond to my apology PM, and I still haven't fully heard what her reaction was. I'm not the type of person to talk to someone on the jury too much (or at all lol), so I haven't approached her. Plus, I didn't want to bug her. Seeing her jury question, I realize that perhaps her way of punishing me is to NOT get mad and loud. Just be quiet, and basically ignore me. It's some reverse psychology right there, and it's working because I only feel worse. Anyways, Yve <3. I know she's going to absolutely hate me after some of my confessionals about her when this is over (if she doesn't already), but just know that I do love you Yve and all that stuff about you being "crazy" was just from the early days. From about the merge on you were great. Occasionally you could frustrate me, but only because of your determined and logical mind. NOT because of personality. The emotional craziness mostly stopped after the Katie boot.

The Final Challenge. Fuck that. LOL. That was so damn difficult, frantic, and just exhausting. I felt like I actually participated in the actual final challenge on the show, it just was so draining. And I was an absolute mess the entire time. I constantly messed things up, I couldn't figure out how to get some puzzle pieces to appear half the time. And Monica had to help me get the cryptogram or else I'd still be doing it now. Yeesh. I was glad that Monica won, because it was pretty clear that Garrett would have voted me out, though I think I mayyyyyyyyyybe could have convinced him by revealing our secret alliance. But who knows.

I'm glad I never had to, because Monica won. Right after her win, I was feeling pretty uncertain about whether or not she'd take me. Leading up to it, we definitely did the whole "we gotta win this!" thing with one another, but I was certainly faking so I felt she could be too. On top of that, right afterwards she started asking some serious questions (would I have voted her out), that had me worried. But I guess in the end, I should have felt that she'd take me when she helped me in the challenge. And in the end, she did. As for that final tribal council, we thought we were being honest and straightforward with everyone, while also being cute and camaraderie with one another. That was our intention. It wasn't (directly) coming from a place of bragging, at least from me. But when Monica started it off with that bombastic monologue, I should have realized she'd come off cocky and self-aggrandizing and not followed suit. We'd get reamed for that later. HARD.

Anyways, Garrett was voted off and the jury questioning portion of the game began. Heading into the final questioning, I felt ok about my chances. I knew that I was going to face quite a few angry jurors but at the same time I was confident in my strategic gameplay and knew that Monica would get some slack alongside me. I made my opening statement, which was my attempt at being sympathetic and forceful and waited for the jury response. And boy was that shit overwhelmingly negative. From all sides. The two primary culprits were Caryn and Sierra, who just tore into me with a visceral passion. I wasn't upset at them from criticizing the way I'd played and some of my tone deaf social moves (the Kelley lie which I had forgot about lol), but the cruel personal attacks are what really cut me to the core. I understood why they thought I was arrogant, boring, and rude. But sociopathic? Taking glee in the pain of others? Ignorant? Yeah fuck that shit.

But mostly I was just baffled at how much everyone hated both of us. And there was a central dichotomy that I never quite got to their rage, they'd claim I was boring and never bonded with people but then also claim I made strong bonds with people and then broke them. Like, which is it? If I was so boring, why did you ever align with me? Why did you trust me so much? Yeah, I never fully bought it. I was boring, but I was also sweet & a good listener. Which they didn't credit. But I was freaking pissed at that point, and I very nearly cussed out both Caryn & Sierra. And some of these people I could make the same arguments back (certainly Kelley, Sue, Erik, Stephen, even Rory never got to know me...why so angry that I didn't get to know you either? like, what the fuck?). And I never have ever said anything directly malicious to any of them. Some of my moves may have come off that way, but I never name-called, I never insulted anyone, I never was rude. If the worst you can say I did to you was apologize to you after voting you out (being "fake"), then....ok. That was my perspective. And I see their side, a bit, but the level of vitriol was unexpected (except in Sierra's case---that girl LIVES for being self-righteous).

My anger was overwhelming to start, but faded and I was kind of just hurt. That all these people legit thought I was an awful asshole. So I took a day off to process. I began to understand that they thought these things because they didn't get to know me really, and that iciness that I had been projecting had never given them any other personality traits to make them think otherwise. So, it was a big assumption on their part and a failure to connect on my part. So I endeavored from that point forward to just be myself and SHOW them who I was in my jury answers. I wasn't going to be too nice, I wasn't going to be too mean, I wasn't going to back down from my pride in my strategy. I was just going to be as real as I could be. I'm super proud of my response to Sierra's because I felt it shut down so many of her points without being revengeful. And since then, I've tried to keep that up. But most of all I just tried. I just put my best effort forward, tried to show them where I was coming from and left the decision up to them. So win or lose I'd be proud of my effort and proud of my game, and not base it on what they thought. And I feel I accomplished that, on a personal level.

Monica, on the other hand, has been a legit disappointment. She spent this whole game being such a strong, big personality. But as soon as someone criticized her she crumbled. Her answers have been half-hearted and weak. She's not owning anything, but deflecting so much of the blame off onto me. She's barely put any effort in. I fully believe if she put in half as much effort as I did, she'd have won this in a walk. She has plenty of points she COULD make, but seems unwilling to make them. And I think she still could easily win, because she came into this final tribal with the jury on her side. And it's harder to win over the jury then lose them. But that doesn't make her showing any less disappointing. The way she's been talking to me as we talk about the proceedings has just been sad & I want to be like "girl get over it and fight". But I want to win, so I'm letting her wallow. It's just sad to me though, unfortunately. :\

Anyways, that's the end of the road for me. My final "short" confessional. I want to say one final time that I've had such a wonderful time in this game and thanks to Lex and Brett making it such a fun experience. <3 Win or lose, it's been awesome and I'll look back fondly on it. I wasn't sure I was going to be able to make the finale reveal since I had a training scheduled tonight till 12 EST, but my boss decided to go. Still, I'm not off from work until 9:30 EST so for one final time....I'm crying #ESTBias :P :P :P (:

Good luck Austin!

Good luck Austin!

Good luck Austin!