oh god knowing everything I know now my confessionals are literally so embarrassing to read over. I was SO MISINFORMED

god help me

Also, following Caryn's criticisms of my gameplay the other day, I've been trying to figure out why people think I'm myopic and whatever else. I've come to the conclusion that it's just another side effect of how emotionally I play (SIGH).

Generally speaking, I won't even CONSIDER turning on my allies in games (unless I absolutely need to, am forced to, or they explicitly go against me first) or making plans that exclude them. This isn't because I think I'm better than everyone else or because I can't see things from any perspective but my own - it's simply because I have a terrible tendency to put friendships first and game second. This is a shitty "strategy" (if you can even call it that... yeah, okay, it's not a strategy at all), and I know that it must be very frustrating for other people to deal with, but it's not a malicious thing. I never have ill intentions. I never MEAN to make people feel excluded or like I think little of them because I won't entertain their ideas. I just don't believe in leading people on, and I hate upsetting others. I guess people misinterpret that as me being standoffish or mean or arrogant, but it's not like that.

During this game, I honestly never felt like I was in an exclusive clique or that I was, like, the Overlord of Everything - I just valued the relationships I had built with people too much to want to possibly jeopardize them for the sake of potentially furthering myself in the game. This apparently made the people I DIDN'T have such strong relationships with think I was awful and mean and short-sighted and self-centered and whatever else :( I did mean what I said to Caryn about not wanting to cut the wrong wire, but it was less strategy-related than I made it seem. I didn't HAVE an "overarching gameplan", as Caryn put it. The only thing I knew for sure was that I wanted to go to the end with Erik, and there wasn't even any strategic reasoning behind that - I certainly wasn't confident that I could beat him, and that didn't even factor into it. I just REALLY LIKED HIM and wanted to play the game out with him because of it. Additionally, when I attempted to make an F4 deal with Austin and Yve, it wasn't because I thought I could beat them, either, or because I thought promising them things would keep them on my side - it was because I adored and trusted both of them and I was willing to risk not making FTC so that some combination of those two and Erik would get there regardless. I just don't know if I care enough about winning these games to ruin the chances of people I like who are absolutely playing to win. I know that other people don't play like I do, and I accept and totally respect that, but people painting this picture of me being like a stuck-up "mean girl" has kinda shaken me up a bit.

When I hit F5 and realized my only way to get to the end was to get rid of Austin, I honestly considered just laying down and accepting my fate because I didn't want to go against him, mistakenly believing it would be just as tough for him to go against me (which was very naive of me, and I should absolutely have known better). Austin is my absolute opposite as far as gameplay goes. I am the pure embodiment of an anti-gamebot. Sure, I can be strategic, and a lot of my confessionals this season show (for me, at least) how far I've come on that front since my first game - but my feelings ALWAYS get in the way sooner or later. This probably means I'm a decent person, but DOES IT EVER make me a pretty awful ORG player (as far as playing to win goes, anyway).

Ick. It all makes me a little bit sad, really. I obviously need to change something about the way I play, because this isn't working out in any way, shape or form. This is also probably the most emotional/embarrassing confessional I'll ever post. OOPS. I have clearly had way too much to drink.

jeez that looks like an answer to a jury question. sierra, you're a mess

I enjoy you.