So...this round was a crazy emotional journey for me, so expect another earnest, slightly corny yet very mock-able confessional. I mean, why change now and make my confessionals anything different I guess :)

At the start of this round I was probably at my lowest point in terms of confidence perhaps in the entire game. After being told that Sierra thought I was being a cocky asshole, and Caryn having done essentially the same thing the round before I felt demoralized in a way. I honestly was trying to be upfront and honest with Sierra, but I understand why it came off as cocky. But at the same time, I felt like she was taking it all way to personally, and that Yve/Monica were getting off scot free because they didn't have the balls to say anything to her face and I had to force Yve to. Whatever. I know my intentions were good, so fuck Sierra for taking them as she did. And after seeing how fucking emotional she was being about the whole thing, I can see now that she was just not in a good place in general with that round and nothing I would have said could have pleased her.

More than just feeling like an asshole, I felt any confidence I had in my game slipping away. Obviously I had some flaws in my social game that were causing Sierra/Caryn to react this way so violently. I always knew that the strategy of being everyone's friend and the nice guy would backfire because when someone like Monica stabs you in the back it's like "ok whatever, I was expecting that". But when the nice guy does it, it hurts deeper than that. Yve gets away with it more than I do because she mostly keeps her mouth shut. But I feel like even now Sierra & Caryn could be in the jury undermining my game in any way possible.

But the biggest realization came to me during the challenge, and it was one that was difficult to come to terms with on a personal level. But first--the challenge.

This challenge was so cathartic for me. I know that probably sounds ridiculous because like...it's a challenge on a Survivor ORG but it honestly was. Going in, I knew Yve had done 16 and Garrett had done 18 (what a lazy mofo, only going two above her). I had the day off, and my goal was to win by setting a bar high enough so Monica didn't want to even try (mission accomplished). But as I did those 60 posts I felt myself slowly regaining confidence. It's super corny, I know, but I felt a resurgence in confidence on my part, and a renewed faith in myself. All those things I said in my last confessional about not caring what people thought I actually started to feel. Fuck Caryn for being such a baby. Fuck Sierra for being a damned hypocrite. Fuck Yve for making me feel like shit for even thinking about voting her off. Fuck Garrett for being so self-involved. Fuck Monica for constantly hinting how boring I am. When I finished that pole I felt strong as shit. I felt like I could do this, and I felt a renewed perceptive on the game. Perhaps I went a little crazy at the same time (lol), but those 10 hours were so cathartic for me.

The biggest change in my perspective came in regards to Monica. I realized that all this time I'd assumed I'd beat her in the end was me being delusional. If I go to the end with Monica, I don't see how I win. She has Sue/Caryn's votes locked. Rory/Sierra/Yve all seem ultra likely. Stephen/Erik were all much closer to her than to me. And Garrett/Kelley are wild cards. Why would she beat me? Because even though technically I've done all the work and got all the blood on my hands at the end of the day she's going to get some of the credit for those moves with much less blood on her hands. Caryn/Sue aren't going to be mad at her. They are going to admire her for playing a game in which I did all the dirty work and she got no blood on her hands. That's how it will be perceived from the jury. On top of that, I think she's played a stronger social game than me on an inter-personal level. She's batshit crazy for sure half of the time, but she gets to know people and after awhile her batshit crazy side becomes less annoying and more an endearing quirk. I'm boring as shit. I don't have nearly as many close personal connections as her in this game. I'm starting to think I'd get no votes against her. So....my only choice is to go to the end with Garrett, the biggest goat in the game. For those familiar with Big Brother Canada 2, I'm the Jon, Monica is the Neda. We've played about as close of a game as we possibly could...but she has to go in order for me to win. Which makes Garrett our Sabrina (alol).

Anyways, I ultimately did win immunity. And this week, Yve still has to go. She's also a huge threat in this game, simply having made most of the moves alongside me but somehow managing to get off with less resentment towards her. I know many people will be like "you have immunity, why don't you just tie it up and keep someone who will 100% to the end with you". And that's a fair point. But I don't want to go to the end with Yve. The only way she stays is if Garrett goes at this point, and he's who I want sitting next to me. Plus, getting rid of Yve now gives her time to cool off and at least consider voting for me. I've said a lot of stupid shit about Yve that I regret. She's an amazing woman. But she's also difficult and sometimes a little crazy emotional. I won't deny that working with her has been a bitch much of the time, but she's awesome. And I'm the jackass for all the shit I've said. But ultimately, for the betterment of my game it's time for her to go. It feels like kicking a puppy, but it's a necessary evil.

Anyways, I have a renewed passion to win. I need to win the next immunity challenge, or have Garrett win it and somehow get him to take me. I'm hoping both of those two think that they'll be making the finals no matter what and I can swoop in and steal it. Damn I wish endurance was next week, cuz with those lazy asses I'd probably easily win.

hey gj

Good luck, Austin!!

Good luck, Austin! <3

Thanks guys! I might sneak in another quick confessional since I feel like I dropped the ball at the end but no promises :)

GOOD LUCK BABE!

I
AM
NEDA