Oh dear god this "episode". For a round that seems mostly simple (at least from my perspective), a lot of crazy and emotional stuff went down this episode. And as the title of this confessional says, I think I've learned a lot from this round of the game.

It all started when Caryn was voted out. Leading up to the vote I talked with Yve and she said we should not tell Caryn that we were voting for her, and just kind of leave her hanging. My gut was to tell her, if not right away, at least right before the vote. But Yve was adamant that we not. So I didn't. That was a mistake. I know it was. Caryn is someone who I genuinely like in this game and she deserved for me to tell her to her "face" that she was going. I know that now. I knew it then, but I let my fear of peeving Yve (hehe there's a pun there somewhere) get in the way. So, the votes are read and Caryn goes. Yay. Me, being the genius that I am, decide to say something to Caryn AFTER the vote. I just said she was too badass to keep around and that she could hate me if she wanted. It's not even a good message lol. And she swipes back with "sorry you just lost a jury vote with that fake ass message, at least Yve had the balls to tell me before the vote". Which OF COURSE Yve did. Because Yve is smart lmao.

Here's the thing, I'm not an asshole I just play one in my confessional. In this game and in general I'm a nice person. I don't hold grudges, I don't have any REAL animosity towards anyone (I already regret that I've said some bad things in past weeks about Yve, world's kindest human), and I'm a super good sport. I'm the type of player that when you vote me out I'm all "Good luck guys no hard feelings <3". Fuck, Monica could vote me out and I really wouldn't be mad. It's not in me, I'm not THAT competitive of a person and don't take things personally. But I need to realize that other people are not like that, and having just been voted out Caryn was probably feeling like shit. I didn't say anything to her any everyone else did so I just look like an insensitive asshole. So I get the response. Am I going to go full-Amanda and apologize profusely for it later at the finale (if I make it). No! I don't owe Caryn shit, if she had got the votes to get me out last week she sure as hell wouldn't have told me anything. So it was a mistake but at the end of the day: GET THE FUCK OVER YOURSELF CARYN. You were a massive threat and everyone voted for you. No need to be so salty. I'm the bad guy here, no need to be awful. But whatever. Lesson Learned? Oh wait, NOPE.

So Caryn is gone and we are down to Final Five. Which is freaking crazy by the way that I've made it this far. Literally, the farthest I've ever made it in an ORG before this was....Final....8? Something like that. It's been so long since I've played one that I don't even remember at this point.

Anyways, back on topic. This week's immunity challenge was a Risk-esque game. Apparently Caryn predicted that it would be this last week. Such a beast that Caryn, even from the grave. Basically I suck at these. Just like the chess board challenge that was essentially Rory vs. Stephen, I'm useless. My strategy from the start was to run around in circles. Me/Yve/Monica were plotting against Sierra the entire time but not in a particularly overt way. Yve is Yve so it takes her forever to respond to just about everything. Monica is always thinking about Monica. And I'm a useless dodo head. So we block off Sierra and leave her with no moves (alol) and then I go immediately after. It turns out that even though Yve was being a greedy ass bitch and wanting to win immunity and not throw it to me because it was "too obvious" (girl everyone knows we are aligned already!), she lost anyways and Monica won immunity. Which YAAAAAAAAAY.

Immediately afterwards Sierra confronts me and is all "It was totally obvious that you and Yve were trying to block Monica & I so you could win immunity for yourselves. You should be honest and just tell me that truth that you guys are all conspiring against me". I try and play it off (badly I might add lol), and she gets increasingly more aggressive about it. So I go to Yve, who has told me that Sierra needs to go next and say "let's just tell her, what do we have to lose?". I know that it is super early in the day but I just don't have it in my to fake it with Sierra for a whole 24 hours. Yve is cautious (bitch was gonna try and pull a Caryn and tell me not to tell her and then go tell her....shady) about it, but eventually I convince her that we should tell her. My argument is that Monica will think we are super with her if we are just upfront. So we tell Sierra and to start off...she takes it shockingly well. We say we both love her, we want her to fight to stay, and its nothing personal but...we have to vote her. I specifically say that we can still talk even though this happened because we are friends. And it's just a game. I'm thinking "hey, she understands. She's not happy, but she understands that it's just a game and it's nothing personal. She's not gonna pull a Caryn!" Lesson Learned? Oh wait, NOPE.

I go to sleep last night feeling alright. I know Sierra is hurting (on top of all this she has personal things going on I think), but ultimately we had a pleasant conversation last night. I wake up this morning and everything is fine. Yve feels bad but thinks we did the right thing. Monica is pretending that she's mad with me so Yve will believe she's more on her side. Garrett is preening and bragging about his grades (alol). And then I hear through the grapevine that apparently Yve and I "cornered" Sierra. That I was being "cocky" about it all. And that how could we be so mean to give her "FIFTH PLACE AGAIN". And that apparently she wants to quit jury. All this said to Monica.

First of all, Sierra was asking me to tell her the truth. I told her. I didn't do it in a mean way, or corner her. We did it nicely and calmly. There was no screaming or even any drama. Secondly, I tried to have a normal conversation with Sierra after we "cornered" her and all she kept bringing up was how upset she was about being voted out. I'd try and deflect and say neutral things about how we could only enjoy our time in the game no matter how long it is, how I don't take it personally, even advising her on her personal issues a bit. None of my intention was to be cocky. I tried having a normal conversation with you Sierra and you kept bringing up emotional shit. And not in a strategic "hey keep me here way" but in a "poor me" way. If I came off cocky it was not my intention. Thirdly, I don't give a fuck what place you finished last time. Not my problem. Lastly, stop being a big baby. You got got. You had plenty of chances to go against Yve & I and you didn't. Threatening to quit jury is such a bitch move girl. She's apparently continued this but I decided to stop engaging with her. If she's gonna act like a five year old, feel free to do it. But I'm not giving her any more ammunition.

So what was the lesson I really learned this week? That you can't win with these people. Anyone going home in this game is going to be pissed. If I ignore them and say nothing before voting for them I'm a coward. If I try and talk it out with them, I'm a cocky condescending asshole. If I apologize too profusely, I'm a fake Amanda Kimmel-type. None of these scenarios works. What's the alternative? Pull a Monica/Garrett and vote with the minority with sympathy votes. Yve and I are the only ones who have gotten ALL the blood on our hands. I've voted for every single person on the jury and nobody else can say that but Yve. So all these people getting pissed at me for voting them out can fuck off. I'm playing a better game than you. And if I make final tribal, I'm gonna tell them all. I'm not going to apologize for anything. So the lesson learned is: Fuck 'em.

Anyways, I'm not even sure that Sierra is one hundred percent going tonight. Once again everything hinges on Yve, who has been her usual flighty yet intimate self today. One second she's reassuring me. The next she's giving me one word answers. She does this every vote, so I'm hoping she doesn't side with Garrett/Sierra. But if for some reason she does, I'm going to leave like the good sport I am. Because fuck bitterness.

Brilliantly narrated by P Kelly <3

I don't think I understand what you are referencing Shawna! haha. Is it a Sausage inside joke? Or am I just dumb lmao

But either way Purple Kelly <3
Purple Kelley? </3

;) ;) ;)

I don't get it either.

I did a dramatic reading of your confessional for Shawna on Skype and it tickled her! You love me Austin! I love you!

Awwww thanks <3 Please tell me you were making fun of me! That would make it ten times better! :D :D :D

Purple Kelly @ 1/4/2015 23:45

I did a dramatic reading of your confessional for Shawna on Skype and it tickled her! You love me Austin! I love you!

Because I wasn't there or anything.

DD @ 3/4/2015 14:02

Purple Kelly @ 1/4/2015 23:45 I did a dramatic reading of your confessional for Shawna on Skype and it tickled her! You love me Austin! I love you! Because I wasn't there or anything.

It tickled DD, too. ;)

Oh yeah and DD was there. Making fun? Never! ;)