That was so hard. Like literally the worst thing ever. I kind of didn't really even believe he'd go. I voted for him because technically I couldn't have saved him but still writing that vote was shit. I'm so glad Lex read it, thank you for that. <3

Nick and I ended up telling him a few minutes before deadline. Or well, Nick did. Nick ratted both of us out before I got the chance to say anything myself, which I was not happy about because I was going to tell him but then it ended up looking like I wasn't. So then I got yelled at for a few minutes, understandably so, but it fucking killed me.

Also I did a terrible job confessing all day. Basically what it came down to was I woke up to conversations form Liz and Neal gently explaining to me that they felt like they needed to take out a Mushu this round. I'll give them props, it was definitely the way to do it, rather than to be shady and outright blindside me. Then a little while later I had a message from Hunter saying that Nick had told him that Liz/Neal had approached Rita about taking out Hunter. So that kind of nicely took care of itself because I didn't have to rat anyone out or warn anyone because all my other sources took care of it for me. I'm not sure if I've mentioned it here but Nick is kind of like my mole on the other side; he pretends to be with them and then tells me (and formerly Hunter :() everything that's happening.

So it was a terrible predicament obviously. Hunter has been one of my number ones since day one, and Liz/Neal have become EXTREMELY close to me and have put a LOT of trust in Woo and me AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHY COULDN'T WE JUST VOTE NATALIE. But Neal and Liz didn't want to go into a f8 with four Mushu which was frustrating because honestly we would all cut Rachel in a heartbeat I think, at least over the other three of us, and Woo/Hunter practically hate each other anyway, and I just really felt like I could keep Neal and Liz safe and we could deal with politics within ourselves without having to factor in Nat/Rita. I tried ALL DAY to convince both of them of this, especially Neal. My other confessionals were kind of vague, but I tried really really hard to get them to just drop this idea, stick with Mushu as it was for another round, and we'd figure it out later. There came to be a point where it just obviously was not going to happen though and I had to just call it, and make sure that the four of us were at least going to be good to pick up where we left off after this round, wherever we might be after that. They both swore that if Hunter left, they would vote off whoever I wanted to next round. Which would be Rita, if she's not immune. So there's that.

That left Nick to attempt to do some work on his end as far as if Rita was going to decide to work with Hunter/Rachel to take out Liz or Neal, or work with Liz/Neal to take out Hunter. Apparently the deciding factor was that Rita didn't feel like either pair had been open with me and Woo about their actual voting plans this round (which is laughable since they both told me), so she wanted to go with the pair who was least attached to me and Woo. I'd mentioned offhand to Nick that Liz and Neal had told me that they were going to vote Hunter, so he felt like telling Rita that could have swayed the vote off of Hunter and onto Neal/Liz. But I'm not so sure that that would have done anything except for expose my own connections and make Neal and Liz mad. So Nick kept putting pressure on me like I'M the one that had all the power to save Hunter but honestly I don't think so, and at least not at my own expense.

So now here we are. There's a big empty spot in my game where Hunter is supposed to be. :( No I don't think I could have won against Hunter in the end. But it's already not the same without him.

Going forward, I'm not sure. Making plans with Nick right now, probably finalizing a f3 with him and Woo. Liz and Neal will be in there too somewhere I'm sure. Neal and Nick hate each other so idk how that's going to work out. Nick at least thinks Neal's beatable. I don't, though. I don't think I could beat Neal or Rita in the end. Maybe not Woo either, I'm not sure. It depends on how mad people are. I've played the middle a lot in this game, so I guess it depends on how those relationships have compared notes in the jury, and how I handle the remaining ones on their way out the door.

OMFG I AM FREAKING OUT I CAN'T BELIEVE I FOUND THE IDOL WTAF

With any luck Rita is going home this vote. I don't know. Liz and Neal should be voting with us, and hopefully Nick. Rachel's being weird, she's still trying to like, get to the bottom of the Hunter vote and I don't know what else to tell her lol. THEY FLIPPED. HUNTER WAS A THREAT. Like that's all there was to it. I still trust Liz, Neal, Nick, and Woo with my life. It's really shitty that Nick is on a completely different page than Liz and Neal and I don't know how that's going to end tbh. I know that I fucking adore those four people (plus Hunter) and they are going to be in my life longgggg past this game though. Throw in Jaison and Melinda and maybe even Lil and I've made some super amazing friends here. What a fucking cast. <3

Anyway. Nick is keeping an ear out in case Rachel is going to try to flip but I don't think she will. Hopefully it'll be Rita and I hope to fucking god she doesn't have an idol. Is it possible that no one has that third pre-merge idol?? Like maybe Joe went out holding it or something?? I think Rita would have played it, right?? Please please please let it be this cut and dry. I don't want to go home. I've survived this long, I'm this close, I JUST FOUND A FUCKING IDOL. I'm only telling Woo for now, I have to think for longer about what I want to do as far as that goes. I don't know, this confessional is all over the place but I was informed it's been 3 days since I updated and holy shit how did that happen. I've been pouting a little since Hunter left I guess. Still missing him. :(

I'm Rita's target tonight. Does she have an idol? I don't fucking know

oh god please don't have an idol please don't have an idol please don't have an idol

legitimately so fucking heartbroken