:(

I don't really wanna talk about this one. I have many reasons for it, but later.

getoutgetoutgetoutgetout!!!!

I want you gone because if you go that means WOO and NEAL didn't and that would make me HAPPY AS A CLAM. And clams seem pretty god damned content with themselves. They just sit there and they chill. Then they get rudely taken away from their home, their innards mangled to shit, and then we humans eat them. I have no issues with being any of this!!

What the fuck am I ranting on...

NICK, my relationship with you over the course of this whole game has been really weird. I can never tell where you stand and I can never tell what your real feelings are! You were one of the first names I ever brought up in this game, all the way back at the start of NuMushu. We've had a lot of chances to work out our relationship and try to get something going and I think there has been a failure on both of our ends to really put forth the effort to make it work!

I hope you or Rita don't have an idol! That would be super unfortunate!!! For now, we'll just fucking go for it and try to vote you out.

You have been my low-key archnemesis, man. Please please please just let Neal and I finally get you outtttttttt. It's nothing really super personal, we just didn't click in this game, but either way I'll see you on the other side (whatever the other side may be).

You were the first person to message me in this game. You said I had a "tight butt"! It was a fantastic way to start everything off in the middle of me half freaking out that I couldn't get AIM to work. You started my journey in this game though, and at the time I just thought "Damn, this girl is great can I have her for the rest of the time?". At the time, you were my number 1. When I met you and we started talking, there was little doubt in my mind that we would be on the same side of stuff. Then the game evolved and we were apart. That sucked. When I saw Joe had taken you, that was a moment of "shit, ok, gotta rely on others". You had been just this entertaining and interesting force that would listen to me talk about my stupid stuff. Getting my friend to message you while I had to drive (he's still an unemployed twat btw), talking about Pizza Pizza and their dirt cheap prices (and IMO dirt pizza). To go from all the way back then to now and seeing where we got to is a bit gut wrenching and... I don't know what happened to me to treat you like I have.

There's a lot of stuff I don't feel good about throughout this game, but this one is the one that's going to jump out at me after this is done. I don't like it. I hate this. There's this massive temptation to just be like fuck it, let Rita go to final 4, I'll tank myself. Why should I deserve to be there when she's just been a good person to me. Someone who listened to me when I was down and talked me through stuff. I don't think we saw eye-to-eye a lot in some of our private talks, but I always respected what you thought and I appreciate everything you've said to me. You're right that I'm lost. Maybe not in the game, I feel like I have an okay understanding of that, but emotionally I have given up understanding how to process some stuff here. I've played a lot of games, but this one is just something different. I'm out of my depths. I think you've felt it too, Rita, just not knowing what the fuck any of this is.

I don't know if you win in the end. I think you do. You're an amazing person, why wouldn't you? You're like...IDK. Just you're really fucking great and I hate the double edged sword that comes with it. I'd love to say fuck it no, let's work together, let's go to the end, but it's just too far gone for that. It's been really hard to talk to you for a while. I always look at your name in the chat and I really want to talk, but then I feel like anything I say to you won't sound sincere from me, like I'm just pandering to you. I can't pander to you. I don't know how to and I just don't want to. I wanna fucking just talk to you all god damned day Lóng and I just haven't been able to. And it's my own personal problem and that just...sucks. It sucks a lot.

I'm writing this right now instead of talking to you. I could probably just paste this over to your chat or whatever but that just feels like I'm trying to get a jury vote. I'm not, I just want us to be okay, I guess. I hope you're doing alright. Frankly, I know you'll be fine after this vote, I'm not really worried about that. You're smart and you're put together. I know you'll understand. I hope you will. I don't expect you to understand why I voted for you in final 8 though. I took a shitty strategy this game of trying to get others to make the target instead of me, and that's where it landed on. That sucked and that was a shitty fucking night. On some levels, I'm pretty damn happy the vote went the way it did. You stayed, but we were separated. I don't think there was recovering us at that point. I don't know. Maybe. I didn't want to do it, but I also felt it necessary. the fact that I made that vote, and then others decided to get paranoid and split upsets me. A lot. Hope going sucked for me, but after being shoved into a shitty position and voting you then other decisions were made without me, that was a moment of feeling used and like I just did this horrible thing for nothing.

That was when it became really fucking hard to talk to you. When you would message me after that and we would just talk and have fun, that was fucking great. I loved that. that's what I want to do all the time, but I couldn't bring myself to do it on my own. I'm sorry for that. I'm really sorry and I don't know how you've felt on it all, but I feel bad. I feel really fucking bad and I hate this feeling. I hate that I probably made you feel hurt. And I don't hate this because I think it hurt my game or some stupid shit, it's me just actually feeling like some soulless person who separates decisions from emotion and the feelings of others. I think that's my flaw. I guess.

Anyways. I miss what we had. I hope we can go back to something like that when this is over, because I don't want to just be like we are now.

I'm sorry.

Fuck this game.

this is for woo if you cant tell.