Once upon a time, there was a group of the best friends in the whole wide world. Their names were Brice, Mookie, Abi Maria, Vytas, Rodney, Carolyn, Monica, and Sherri. Together, they were the Best Friends For Life Club, and would meet several times a week to have champagne and gossip about their co-workers.
“Yeah, this one bitch tried to take my corner but she forgot to take her hoops out when I fought her so I ripped her ears open,” Monica nonchalantly mentioned, fondly remembering her exciting night as a cheap hooker. The Best Friends For Life club were relaxing in the lounge on the local coffee chop, after having just performed their theme song.
The only one missing from the theme song was Abi Maria, who was running late for the meeting. She suddenly burst into the coffee shop in a hurried panic.
“YOU GUYS. YOU GUYS.” She panted, struggling to catch her for breath. Vytas rolled his eyes, exasperated as he said, “Abi, for the last time, quit running from the cops. If you keep harassing Lisa Welchel she WILL continue to call the police on you.”
“No stupid, it’s not that!” Abi said, her heavy Brazilian accent showing. “I made a time machine!”
“Good, you can go back in time and fix that outfit,” Brice chuckled, fulfilling his role as a flamboyant gay stereotype.
“No! You guys listen! Some bitch stole my bracelet and I think I know who it is, but I can’t prove it unless I go back in time to catch her in the act! So I made a time machine!” Abi exclaimed proudly, procuring a small silver disc from her back pocket.
“Abi, you’re an immigrant with little-to-no college education and absolutely no experience in any STEM related field. Do you really expect the audience to buy the idea that you could create a time machine?” Carolyn asked, skeptical.
“Well this intro is already long enough and to move the plotline along those bitches reading will just have to suspend their belief!” Abi said, throwing the disc onto the ground. It immediately began to light up and make futuristic noises that totally did not sound like somebody experiencing an orgasm.
“Hop on bitches!” Abi yelled, stepping onto the disc and vanishing into a flash of light. Shrugging, the Best Friends Club all followed suit.
* * * * *
“Wow, where are we?” Sherri asked, shielding her eyes from the harsh sunlight.
“Oh…. This isn’t the locker room where I left my bag.” Abi muttered, looking around. The group was in a dense jungle, with a tip of a gigantic volcanic peaking over the treelines.
“Awwww, you were taking us to the girls locker room? And we ended up here instead? Weak man!” Rodney complained.
“Abi where the HELL are we? Take us back!” Mookie demanded, feeling uneasy.
“I don’t know how to make it go in the future! I’m not a rocket scientist!” Abi said, her temper flaring.
The group immediately devolved into an argument, until a whistling sound was heard and a dart appeared on the side of Sherri’s neck. “Whaaaa?” Sherri started, before slumping to the ground, asleep.
Several more whistling sounds were heard, and one by one members of the Best Friends Club dropped like flies.
The last thing Carolyn saw before falling asleep was a large, intimidating man holding a blowdart and wearing tribal makeup approaching her. Then she blacked out.
* * * * *
The nine friends woke up surrounded by a group of savage Aztec men and women. “Where are we? Who are you?!” Sherri asked, freaked out. The leader bent down to her face and smiled.
“We are the noble Aztecs, and sky God gave you to us as a gift to fulfill our annual ritual.” The man laughed, with his fellow Aztecs joining in.
“Wait a minute, how in the hell do you speak English? Colonialism hasn’t happened yet.” Brice asked suspiciously, and was met with a slap in the face from the Aztec chief.
“DON’T MESS WITH THE FLOW OF THE PLOTLINE BY TRYING TO POKE HOLES IN IT” The chief yelled, before smiling again. “Now, the nine of you are going to enter in a little contest. We have a yearly ritual to throw a sacrifice into the big volcano on the edge of the forest. The sacrifices are representatives of foreign people. In this case, puppets. We made one of each of you.”
Two Aztec women brought out a series of puppets that resembled the Best Friends Club exactly.
“The catch is that we only need one of you to throw your puppet into the volcano. The rest of you are… expendable. So my friends and I are going to have a little fun hunting you down while you attempt to make your way to the volcano, and the last one surviving who makes their way up there first will be allowed to have your device back and return home. Understood?”
A million questions flew from the mouths of the young hero, but the chief silenced them all by laughing and saying, “Then let the games begin!”
Brice, Mookie, Abi, Monica, Vytas, Carolyn, Sherri, and Rodney all took off in different directions with their puppets, hoping desperately to be the first ones to make it to the volcano.
The games had begun.
* * * * *
(Listen to this for the rest of the story.)
Sherri was panting, hiking her way up a long hill. “This is brutal,” she said aloud, her calves burning. She was a businesswoman, not a damn athlete.
“Sorry hunny, but that outfit was SO last year,” a voice said, and Sherri felt something slam against the back of her head. She tumbled to the ground and looked up to see Brice standing over her, holding an apple. The fruitcase had chucked a fruit at her head!
“Brice! What are you doing?” Sherri asked, rubbing the back of her head. “Sorry girlfriend, but only one of us is making it to the top of that volcano. I got to lessen the competition.” Brice said, plucking a knife out of a nearby tree. Yes, the trees grew knives during the Aztec times.
Realizing the danger that she was in, Sherri swung into action. She jumped up, picking up the apple and throwing it at Brice’s head to distract him. He bit the apple in midair because he was a badass and spat it back onto the ground. “You’re not getting away from me that easily hunny!” He laughed, charging at her.
He knocked her back on the ground and loomed over her, knife in hand. “Sorry it has to end this way girlfriend.” He sighed, preparing to stab her.
Sherri started laughing and Brice stopped, puzzled. “You forgot one small detail boo,” Sherri laughed.
“This is a faux horror story and the black man will always die first.” Sherri said, as Brice’s eyes widened. All of a sudden a spear popped out of his chest, and his widened eyes slowly became lifeless.
A native Aztec stood behind Brice, and shook the spear a few times to really gouge Brice out. “I bet this isn’t the first time Brice has had a foreign man rip him open”, Sherri chuckled, as she ran away from the native.
Sherri bemusement was short-lived, however. Trying to take a shortcut, she made her way across the river bank, almost to the volcano. She was almost there! That was when disaster struck.
“Are you seriously wearing Croc’s? Do you have any idea how offensive that is to my community?” She heard a voice ask, and she turned around but saw nobody there.
“Down here bitch”, the voice said, and Sherri shrieked when she was the gigantic talking crocodile looming underneath her. Before she could say another word, the fashion-forward croc swallowed her whole.
* * * * *
The sounds of foot steps coming could be heard through the jungle. It was Monica, running away from the aztec tribe that she had encountered with her group. Monica stops and glances up at the volcano.
"This is so far away. Maybe I should just try to attack the aztecs." she was thinking.
Monica turned around and picked up a machete.
"Oh, this is convienent!”
She swings it around, as the sun would make the machete shine. She looks at her left, and sees a bucket too. After grabbing it, she puts it on her head.
"Maybe I should make two holes for the eyes. That could do for armor."
Monica sat down and started carving in the bucket, with difficulty.
“Well, well…. The cheap hooker and I meet at last,” Monica looked up to see a deranged Carolyn looming over her.
“Oh… hi Carolyn! Why are you holding a machine gun?” Monica asked nervously, eyeing the monstrosity that Carolyn had strapped to her chest.
“THE BETTER TO KILL YOU WITH MY DEAR!” Carolyn crackled, opening fire. Bracing herself, Monica plunged her head into the bucket and somehow all the bullets ricochet off of it.
Peeking out from underneath her bucket, Monica gasped. All the bullets bounced back from her helmet and hit Carolyn straight in the face. Carolyn, gasping her last few breaths, slipped to the ground.
Monica started crying and ran to Carolyn, holding her hand. “Carolyn… I’m so sorry,” Monica sobbed, and leaned in to hear Mama C’s last words.
“The reason I was always so hard on you…. Was because I was your real mother all along,” Carolyn gasped, before slumping in Monica’s arms.
“NOOOOOOOOOOO” Monica wailed, holding her mother’s lifeless body. Resolving to survive just for Carolyn’s sake, Monica eventually got up. Holding the machete in one hand, the random machine gun in the other, and her trusty bucket on her head, Monica made her way to the volcano.
* * * * *
Vytas sprinted as fast as he could through the jungle. The yoga instructor knew that if only one of them was going to survive the Aztec warriors, that he may need to worry about his friends before he had to worry about the enemy.
Vytas started to get a cramp in his side. He needed to get to the volcano as fast as possible, but he was going to be no help to himself if he got dehydrated on the way there.
Vytas could here the sound of water, so he ran towards it. He came out of the brush upon a babbling brook. Kneeling down, he set down his puppet and used his hands to scoop water into his mouth.
Suddenly he looked up. Across the pond was a beautiful sleek tiger drinking from the pond as well.
“What a beautiful tiger that is obviously from Central America and totally not a plot device!” Vytas thought, with his yoga powers, communicated with the creature telepathically.
<Sup bro?> Vytas greeted.
<Not a lot.> The tiger responded, <Just drinking here>
<Chill chill> Vytas said, <just running for my life. No big deal>
<That’s cool I guess> The tiger replied, <By the way, a crazy Brazilian chick is behind you.>
Vytas tucked and rolled to the right just as Abi burst out of the brush with a gigantic club in her hand. One second longer and Vytas’ brain would be scattered through the pond. Not expecting for him to get out of the way, Abi fell into the pond.
"What the hell, Abi?” Vytas managed to get out before the Brazilian firecracker got up and rushed at him again. She jumped on top of him and started to try and hold him down
“SAY UNCLE!” Abi seethed.
“No! Screw you!” Vytas yelled back, fighting to get up, “You’re the reason we’re in this mess in the first place!”
Brute strength was failing Vytas. Abi had both his arms pinned under her knees. She raised her club up high in the sky, ready to take out Vytas’ brain.
Vytas closed his eye, waiting for the end.
All of a sudden there was a scream and the weight was lifted off of his chest and arms. He jumped up and looked around, the tiger he had met earlier that totally wasn’t a plot device had grabbed Abi and dragged her off into the brush. After a while he came out with blood all over his face.
<Thank you so much bro> Vytas said, <Why did you save me?>
<You were pretty cool and she seemed like a bitch> The tiger said.
<Well thank you so much> Vytas said, <I hate to ask you for another favor… but can you get me up the volcano>
<Sure.> The tiger said <My schedule is free for now. You’re lucky my backgammon club cancelled today. Hop on>
<Awesome!> Vytas said. He hopped on the tigers back and the two of them started up the volcano.
* * * * *
Gasping for breath, Mookie stopped. Having ran for what felt like hours, he checked his watch.
5 minutes had passed. 5 minutes since he and his friends had been sentenced to near certain death by the Aztecs. 5 minutes sprinting in the hot Mayan sun (or wherever the Aztecs are located. I don’t know) . And 5 minutes since he had seen his precious. His sweet, beautiful, Boston Bae; Rodney.
He could almost hear his thick accent in the trees. “Bbbrrroooo. You’d bettuh relax, bbbrrooo”
Mookies gasp caught in his chest. For this was no sultry apparition. The Boston Brute was right there. Just around the corner. Speaking to himself while doing pushups.
“Just remembah, bro. Tree C’s. Just keep those tree C’s and you’ll be fine” Rodney grunted, between reps.
“I… I have to kill him” Mookie pondered to himself (and the audience), “There’s no way I can outrun such a specimen. My only chance at getting out of this mess is surprising him. But how will I live with myself?”
But his thought was cut short.
“Mook? Yo, Mook. Is dat you over dehr?”
Mookie had to think fast.
“Rodney!” he shouted, “It’s so great you’re here! If we work together, we can make it out of here!”
Rodney jumped up from his pushup, grabbed his torn muscle shirt, and rushed over to his Asian Delight.
“Mookie! Of all da people to run into, I’m so glad it’s-“Rodney started. But his thought was cut short. Cut short by the thin blade that was now embedded into his shredded abs (see that? Shredded. It’s a pun because he is jacked, but also his muscles were shredded by the knife. Writing)
“Muh… Mookie?” he gasped.
He dropped to his knees as Mookie yanked the knife from Rodneys abdomen. Blood began to pool underneath of him as he fell forward onto his face. Grasping at Mookies jeans while he collapsed.
In an instant, he was gone.
In another instant, anguish crashed upon Mookie for what he had done.
“What have I done?!” he cried.
Mookie collapsed on the lifeless (yet still rugged) body of his dead friend. Overcome with grief for what he had done, Mookie came to the sudden realization.
“I cannot go on. I must perform Seppuku. As my forefathers did.” (Mookie obviously did not realize that Seppuku is a Japanese tradition, and he is in fact Korean. But for the sake of poetry, let’s just let it slide)
Mookie plunged the same knife that had taken his one true love from him deep into his own throat.
He too collapsed onto the wet, Aztecian ground beside his dead friend. Blood poured from his neck as the light slowly faded from his eyes.
He managed to muster up the energy for one last breath before he passed.
“Boston Strong”, he said.
* * * * *
“Oh my god, I made it!” Monica cheered, finally arriving at the top of the volcano. She clutched her puppet in one hand, ready to make the sacrifice.
“I’m sorry Monica, but I’m afraid I can’t let you do that”, a familiar voice spoke behind her. She turned around and gasped. There, sitting on a majestic tiger, was Vytas.
“Vytas!!! Please, let me do this, I’m too pretty to die!’ Monica wailed, as Vytas grimaced.
“I’m sorry, but I have to do what I have to do. Tony here is going to take care of you.” Vytas said remorsefully.
“Who’s Tony?” Monica asked, eyeing the tiger nervously as it inched towards her.
Vytas took a deep breath, before saying fiercely, “Tony The Tiger”.
With that, Tony the Tiger pounced on Monica. Afraid, she jammed the helmet over her head and hoped for a quick end. The loud yelp of the tiger immediately startled her though.
Peeking out from underneath her helmet, she realized that Tony was laying pitifully on the ground. Vytas had been thrown to the ground, and looked at her furiously.
“TONY BROKE ALL OF HIS TEETH ON YOUR STUPID HELMET”, Vytas yelled, before his eyes widened as he saw Monica pick up her machine gun.
“Yeah, well, I guess not all tigers can have their days”, she smirked.
“That’s not even a catchphrase! That’s a terrible line to deliver when you’re about to kill someone!” Vytas complained. He began to speak more, before the bullets Monica fired tore into his throat.
Monica smiled, with a few tears running down her cheeks. She was going to survive. Picking up her puppet, she walked over to the volcano. She was stopped by a single thought… might as well do this right.
Picking up her trusty helmet that had saved her life twice in the past few hours, she put it on. “I’m going home!” She yelled, overjoyed. She took one additional step to throw her puppet in the volcano… and found herself falling.
Her bucket unfortunately impeded her vision, and she didn’t see that she was already on the edge. Screaming, Monica slowly roasted alive in the magma. Luckily her bucket was fireproof as well, so at least her face was still pretty.
“Well… looks like this batch didn’t work out so well,” the Aztec chief sighed, making his way around the corner and watching the feisty latina die.
“Until next time!” He chuckled, tossing the time machine into the volcano as well. The Aztecs may have been destined for extinction, but at least they were smart enough not to mess with the time-space continuum.
