Phase 15.

I told myself when I signed up that I would write it all down. You know, the sights, the sounds, what happens and to whom and where. I planned to make maps, keep details and so far I've done all that, I suppose, but I wanted to do more than write notes. I wanted to tell my story.

There isn't really much reason to write this now, I guess. I had other plans when I got here. Making sure my story was remembered and told was important before, but now this doesn't really need to be written.

I guess...

However I said I would write, and so I will. I keep my promises, even if they are only to myself.

I... okay I guess maybe I'll just write whatever. I am not really much of a writer. I mostly read manuals. Nice, straight to the point guides, not as many stories. I've written a few guides. I really don't know how to tell a good story though. I suppose a guide works, I just... this was supposed to be so much more.

It doesn't matter though.



Meh. I guess I can just explain what I'm thinking? And feeling? I didn't plan to but, well, maybe it will help. No one is ever going to read this, and I... I'm not even safe in my own head anymore. Have I explained that yet? That's a real fucking mess of a thing.

At least I can pour my heart out on a piece of paper. I don't think there's any danger to it.... I can be myself.

Oh wow. I just reread some of the stuff at top of the page so far. I sound like some kind of robot. Do I sound like that all the time? Why in the world do these people seem to like me?

Anyway.

When I heard about this mission, I literally jumped at the oppurtunity. I didn't get a personal invite. I know some people did and that's great for them I suppose but I heard about this mission and I knew I needed to be here. When I look back at it I want to say I felt something calling me here, and that I knew I had a greater purpose. But that's actually bullshit. I didn't have a greater calling. I just came here to die.

I'm not suicidal. It wasn't just to die. It was to die for a purpose. To die knowing that my life would serve the greater good of ripping Willis's damned eye and heart out. I didn't have any millitary training. I didn't have any particular skills for breaking into strongholds and fighting battles and all that. However, it wasn't that I was expecting to get killed. I'm smart. I'm resourceful. I know I can find ways to survive. I know I can find ways to shift things to my favor. If I thought I was incompetant I would not have signed up.

I wasn't going to be killed. I was going to die.

Most important was that Willis was going to die. Because for the billions of lives he destroyed and ruined and ended, he needed to die. The war never should have ended. We should have fought until there was no one left standing to fight. Because when evil that great exists and rules the world... there is no point in continuing.

I wanted to ensure he felt something painful, anything even close to the pain I felt when my parents died outside the caves. Anything close to their pain. Anything close to the pain felt by any single person he harmed. If it was possible to make him feel the pain of the world, I would have made that my goal. But anything at all, any kind of misery he could be served... that was what I wanted to ensure.

I didn't plan to survive though.

You could call me a coward but the honest truth is that I liked the idea of dying a hero. I needed to see it through to the look on his face when his life faded from his eyes. I needed to last that long. I needed to make sure that it happened. I needed to be there.

But I couldn't imagine myself living for a second longer than that.

Some people thought there was hope. Once Willis was gone, the world could be rebuilt. Some braindead morons believed that that was possible with the ceasefire. And I'll give the world and myself credit, some days the Caves were almost a perfect facsimile of life. We had TVs and Flickbook and the famine didn't even start on schedule thanks to all the casualties of war. We all got real lucky when that colony near Willis's fortress was savaged but they didn't hit the food stores. We had whole years left before the mass extiction!

There was a lot of talk of hope but I thought there really was none. No justice, either, because the people who used to be in charge and convinced the world they still were in charge decided to stop fighting for it.

Gabriel's mission brought back the chance at justice. And I knew I had to go for it.

But I didn't think once he was gone, that the world would suddenly be better, food would suddenly start growing, the surface would magically stop glowing in the dark, sunlight would stop being a memory and become a reality again. I didn't know what the world would be like without Willis but my guess was more or less the same but with no one to curse after saying your prayers each night.

So I wasn't planning on coming back. I wasn't going to go out of my way to die but I didn't want to watch the world continue to fall apart.

I guess... well I wanted to have a happy ending. I wanted to see the bad guy fall and be reunited with my loved ones and have the big dramatic story end there for me.

I know that makes me selfish. And I know that makes me a coward.

But there wasn't anything to look forward to after Willis died. Only the afterlife.


I figured I would keep a journal, so that if the world did continue on, the events could be recorded and remembered. I wanted to write something factual, but something wonderful, inspiring, triumphant if not hopeful. But I'm glad that I relieved myself of that burden because I can only pretend to be inspiring for so long before my head starts to hurt from grinding my teeth.

But it doesn't matter now. My plans have changed.

This journal is no longer for the world to remember our great sacrifices. When I am done there will be nothing to remember. And there will be no great sacrifices. Because none of it will matter.

For now this is just here so I can think without intrusion, so I can be completely honest and straightforward about myself and my goals. Every other time of the day, it seems like I'm playing a part. The leader. The ally. The boyfriend, apparently. I have to act like I know what I'm doing and where I'm going, even though Lee was elected, not me. I can't just be myself, I have to be the guide. And then when I'm sleeping, or day dreaming, or alone for 5 damn seconds... I'm still not alone and I have to put on a different smile for the thing that has invaded my head and keeps me up all the fucking time. I can't even let my guard down in my own head.

But at least here, I can express whatever I'm feeling. I noticed while I was taking notes that this tunes out Tyrese really nicely. I can finally have my own, unintruded, uninfluenced thoughts. And it feels great. Because, honestly in spite of my complaints, I still feel okay. More than okay. I feel... hopeful. Almost happy sometimes. That's so unlike me but lately, it's true. I mean sometimes things are scary or frustrating but I have a goal now. A purpose. And whatever bad things happen... they don't matter.

The past... the future... none of it matters.

Because I can undone all that has been done.

Phase 18

Maybe it'll make the most sense to try to tell my story phase by phase. I probably should have been doing that all along. I don't know why I didn't. I guess I got a bit overwhelmed! I spent most of my days quietly working in the Caves. I'm used to staying nice and safe in my own head. Fixing things, building things, inspecting things, and at the end of the day whoever's paying my daily bread doesn't really want to chat about the weather or my life. I'm not used to juggling what's going on with 44 other people.

But I guess I signed up for the unknown and unexpected...

Phase 0 - The Meeting
(Retrospective)

When I got to the meeting, it was just me, Gabriel and Mikhail. I think Mikhail was part of the planning process. I'm not totally sure anymore. He didn't do much more than glare at us for a long time as we all entered. When I first came in, he had this look like I was completely beneath him. I guess I expected that. I don't have any military experience. While its not like it really stopped anyone after Willis happened, I wasn't even old enough to fight during the wars. (I'm pretty sure only Britt and Hobert are actually younger than me.) I guess I expected the snub. I'm not all that impressive, and I expected to be the one who had to prove themselves.

I really thought more soliders survived the wars. Or maybe what they saw convinced them to stay underground.

More people started coming in. Brie was not too long after me. She was twitchy, awkward, and pretty much everything on the surface that I was trying to pretend I wasn't. I don't really remember our conversation, but I remember we talked about our parents. Usually a touchy subject for me. I don't really like to bring it up because, well, I never really... the point is, it just seemed like the thing to do and I guess I just ran with it. She was skittish but she was brave to come and I didn't want to scare away the person I was probably going to have the most in common with. I expected an army.

What we got was... yeah. Not an army.

Most of them were here for the adventure! I guess they see evil overlord wizard and they think "yay I get to be a power ranger!" I see pain and suffering and 10 years worth of engineering and hard labor put into making the rat holes we live in somewhat comfortable while we await looming death and starvation. But sure. Whatever.

Rita was from the Bito Isles. I remember having no damned clue where that was. I still don't. Apparently they are very large though. Rita's uncle, Emperor Bito, also arrived, and they had a massive falling out right there in the waiting room.

I guess I'm a sucker for the dramatic because that was amazing.

And that's when Parker had his first crowning moment for me. That's when I knew I liked this guy. I don't know where he got the popcorn from. I don't care. He shared it with me and that other guy, and then he offered to step into the ring for Bito... for a price. And he was just so damned cool about it.

Then Hobert, this poor kid, even younger than I was when I lost my parents, probably not even old enough to have ever played outside in the sun... the fact that they let him join up with us was... awful. Gabriel was not the man I thought he was if he was willing to let a kid serve. But we were all misfits, and apparently all that were willing. I couldn't convince him to turn around, so I tried to keep an eye on him.

It kind of bothered me how attached he got though. It just... it wasn't right that he was here in this crowd but, well... I guess he never had family. He never lost anyone. And I wasn't planning on seeing the meeting room again.

So we all assembled, some 29 of us, for the adventure of a lifetime. There were guys who stumbled and spoke to walls, girls who thought this would be like the movies, hipsters and scots and soviets and spoiled brats, and I wasn't sure what my place was supposed to be anymore. I came in expecting to prove myself to a bunch of military types. The only military type was Tyrese. Capable, strong, smart, protective, trained, huge, and apparently aligned with the forces of darkness. I guess I should have expected some kind of defect.

I didn't know what my role was going to be anymore. I expected to be the nerd who proves himself and takes it for the team. Instead I was the most normal person in the room.

And I guess I still felt like I needed to prove myself.

I'm dead.

I can't say I didn't expect that it was coming... I knew. I knew as soon as I realized that time had reversed itself. I knew as soon as I was back in the room with the cracks in the floor. I knew.

I guess I deserved it.

I don't know why I did what I did. I'm having trouble remembering it all. If you ask me a question I could probably rattle off an answer but I don't really... feel it anymore. I guess its a consequence of being dead? Ask me about my hopes and dreams and you'll get an answer not unlike if you ask me what kind of wrench to use or what kind of network Mark is using that lets him connect to flickbook from the year of the twin serpents.

Actually... I remember that being a very cool answer. I would have been happy answering that I think. It was really fascinating.

Oh well... I guess this isn't what I expected. I didn't really think too much about the World to Come. I guess I expected to be sent to hell. Hell isn't really something I was taught to believe in but I guess I always did anyway. The world was pretty terrible. I didn't expect the end to be pleasant.

I guess it isn't.

I always wondered if I would see my parents again, and before I died I wondered what they would think of me now. I didn't turn out how they wanted. Would they be disappointed with me? Or sad at what I became? Would they still love me? I tried to be smart. They always said I was smart. I don't think I was as clever as I thought I was though. My parents were very brave, they gave up their lives to save me, protect me, but I never took any risk I thought would hurt me. I didn't even face death with dignity. I sold out Tyrese. I groveled and pleaded. My parents wanted me to be happy but I never was. I never looked for happiness and I never found happiness. I clung to annoyance and anger at Willis and determination because it was all nicer than being sad and empty but I never tried to be happy. They wanted me to keep my faith, but I all but abandoned it when I got here. They wanted me to be good. I murdered two people in cold blood. I don't even know why I did it.

I really don't... why did I do it?

I guess I was trying to help Parker, and, well... I was going to undo it all. So they wouldn't stay dead. I guess that got undone... which... just proves that it was a good idea right? They're alive. It really does work. I just wasn't on the right side of it all.

I still feel... not guilty. Its hard to describe. Sad I guess. Sad that I did that and fell so far from where I should have been. Sad that the plan failed. Sad that I failed. That I can't open the box. That I didn't keep my promises to my parents, or myself, or Hobert. Sad that me and Parker both had to die. He was evil, but he was still my very best friend I have ever had.

I'm sad I compromised my morals so easily, and that I went so far for reasons I don't understand. I like blaming Tyrese. The dark cloud that was in my head didn't control me, but it made it harder to think. I had so much on my mind, so many variables to process... nah. It wasn't his fault. It was mine.

Its hard to remember what I was thinking anymore. I'm alone here and I miss what I used to be. It was nice hearing a voice in the darkness but now that it is gone I don't know what comes next.

I keep thinking about what I would do if I had a second chance....

Would I be a better person?


...I'm not sure.