This NEEDS to be here to preface what I'm talking about in this confessional. I'm sorry for not giving routine updates but I've been going through a bit of a rough time.
ANYWAY the last round ended with Mike getting eliminated. Normally I would say RIP but he didn't take his boot well and basically made an ass of himself on his way out. Not much I can do there but I can understand to an an extent why he was so mad. But here's the thing about his TC post saying "That's what happens when 2 of your allies throw their votes away" or something; I trust Jeremiah far more than I did Mike. Mike leaving is bad because now the idol is gone. That is pretty much the only reason why his boot is super bad for me.
Unfortunately he CONTINUED to leak stuff to Heather AND HE TRUSTED HER and tbh that hurt him SO much. Heather is the one who ultimately voted him out. Her and Jerri joined up with Sierra to make it happen and pretty much save Jeremiah. It was a very good move on their part tbqh.
I saw the leader of this operation to be Sierra. Whether or not that is TRUE is a completely different story. From what Jeremiah told me, she made the group chat (I think, could have been Heather but either way Sierra was definitely involved with the forming of it). Ultimately she lied to Kim and I about how this vote was going down. Later Kim found out from Zmanda that Sierra didn't even tell HER what was happening. So she basically went behind our backs for this all to happen. Coooooool.
Eric was quite crushed when he found out about Mike. After thinking he was in the swing vote position and Jeremiah was going, he was ultimately blindsided. I would have hated to be him because every round seems like a new kick in the face. It looks like it's been a tough few round stretch.
But that was going to change this round. We talked and decided that after that stunt, SIERRA has shown she is the biggest threat in this game. I always knew she was a big threat, but this was the first time I was ready to do something about it. I was worried about betraying the group and getting Zmanda mad. If it involves getting Zmanda mad idt Kim would be super likely to follow through with the plan. Jeremiah however I trust would do this considering he knows how big of a threat Sierra could be. Yes she just saved him, but who the hell logs in for 5 minutes, changes and ENTIRE vote, and logs off, and have the whole thing go her way?
Even better, Jeremiah found out that someone has been leaking from the group chat to Heather. He copied a chatlog he had with Heather where she said he was "proud" of Jeremiah for blue potioning Monica a few rounds ago and she thought he was "brainwashed." Well Heather sent him a message saying she heard that people told him SHE said she thought he was brainwashed and she said whoever said she said that is a liar.
Now......Heather is the one who said it in the first place lol. So her reacting like that is funny. But more importantly someone, presumably Sierra, has been telling her what's been going on in our group chat. Sierra was working with Heather and Jerri and Jeremiah pretty much. She would probably try working with Heather and Jerri because they are the biggest goats in the game and probably can't win in the end. It makes the most sense. So ALL of this essentially made Jeremiah on board with the plan to vote Sierra.
Eric had Erik under control and as basically his one ally left. After the Mike vote Erik was SO confused and just wanted someone to cling to. He just said he hates Heather pretty much and just hopes that he can get further than her. He flat out told Kim something along the lines of how "they should just vote for the first name they hear the majority will." Poor guy. I apologized to him for voting him and I explained why. He said it was ok because it was just a throw away, and because I'm far too honest I tried to explain to him it wasn't SUPPOSED to be but it ended up being the case. Idt he cared too much tbh, I think he'd still work with m because he has nothing. But anyway, Eric told him about possibly voting Sierra and he was completely on board. So that makes 4 people out of 9, just one more.
Kim and I are almost always on the same page about things so when I brought up the possibility of voting Sierra she completely agreed. We had talked about how shady she has been, how she lied to the group chat, and just been an overall force in the shadows. Now here's the thing, she wanted to tell Zmanda about the plan. I mean it may not be the BEST idea because they have been seen as allies and a close pair up until now. That'd be like someone coming to me about the possibility of blindsiding Eric or Kim. I'm GOING to tell them because I don't want them to go.
But of course none of this matters at all if Sierra wins the immunity in the majority smash challenge. The plan was to vote Sierra out in the survivor round and then nominate Heather and Jerri in the BB round. This was supposed to be best case scenario and I REALLY wanted this to happen. But alas.
Jeremiah won HoH so wooooh! I almost won that challenge but Jeremiah was lower on those majority rules lists. I'm not mad at all because I know he has my best interests at heart (well mostly, more on that later).
Jeremiah winning was great, but Jerri winning not so much. A perfect score? REALLY? Me not getting any titles in majority rules shows that my super utr floaty game has at least been effective. But Jerri is basically guaranteed to nominate Kim or I, more likely Kim. Jerri ALSO has that auction idol probably. Well not probably, she almost certainly does after we did the calculations for it. If Heather gets nommed that means Jerri will probably use the PoV on her and I'd be put up or something. That means if neither Kim or I win the PoV we'd BOTH be nommed next to eachother which is basically awful in every possible way and just something I don't even want to think about. Luckily this PoV is something one of us can probably win.
But here's the thing, Jeremiah doesn't want to risk Heather using the idol and having one of us go up. He also doesn't trust Erik to stick with him so he wants to nom him and have him be eliminated over presumably an idoled Heather. *I* don't necessarily thing we should nom Erik, especially if he sticks with us for this Sierra vote. I tried to say that even if Heather idols we should be fine, but Kim was worried about Zmanda then having to waste her idol to get off the block. Again, I tried to say if she did it wouldn't be awful but there was only so much I could do. Eric repeatedly said he thinks he could get Jerri to idol Heather so we settled on having the nom be Heather if she uses the idol in the survivor round, and Erik if she does not. Well at least that ain't half bad.
But now we need to deal with this Survivor round. Kim talked to Zmanda just in general about general trust with Sierra. BASICALLY what was found out was that Sierra probably was going to gun for Kim and I eventually, and the possibility has come up before. Zmanda was also pissed that Sierra was leaking info from the chat to Heather. Basically Kim had her say she would also be ok with the plan of getting rid of Sierra.
I'll talk a bit more about this later, but this Kim-Zmanda relationship has been a curious one. They are extraordinarily close and coming from the perspective of my relationship with Kim, that's a pretty big statement. I'm legitimately not sure if Kim would have voted for Sierra if Zmanda wasn't ok with it.
So this means all the votes should be set. Jeremiah, Kim, Zmanda, Erik, Eric, and I. That should be plenty to get Sierra out and now we honestly just need to lock in these numbers and not be suspicious towards Sierra in any way. We tried to maintain our normal convos in the group chat (well aware that Sierra was probably telling Heather stuff). We concluded in that chat that we should try voting Heather out. We'd split the vote between her and Eric. Eric, Erik, Kim, and I would all vote Heather. Jeremiah, Zmanda, and Sierra would vote Eric. Jerri and Heather vote whoever. Now this sounds like a great split plan if we had intended on sticking to this and not blindsiding Sierra.
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Now this cuts to the start of a hellish day for me. In the leading hours up until the voting deadline, Eric is telling me about a plan Heather and Jerri were trying to enact. Basically, what they wanted to do was have our votes get split somehow, and blindside Zmanda. They thought they could get Jeremiah, Erik and him on board to get majority. Well Jeremiah wasn't going to do it, but Eric was seriously considering it and at one point told me he was going to. I just about spent hours trying to convince him not to. If he and Erik (who he would have talked to and convinced) voted Zmanda with Heather and Jerri, then it'd be a 4-4-1 vote probably. On the revote they would have control and Zmanda would go. Heather was going to tell Sierra that the target was Kim (because she was afraid Sierra would tell Zmanda, which she would have done).
I was trying to tell him not to vote Zmanda basically because he'd be lying and backstabbing Kim and Jeremiah after we talked about this plan for so long. He'd be going away from the group and once again I would be watching a blindside happening, knowing it would, but I would be in the minority. Well he told me to solve that I should just vote Zmanda. But I didn't want to do that? I saw Sierra as the bigger threat so I wanted her to go first. Another factor in this is that I didn't want to, again, back-stab Kim and Jeremiah. Even on a personal level I like Zmanda more than Sierra. I JUST wanted this plan to go through. I think this is the one vote I can say I actually got the ball rolling on all game, and I WANTED to make sure it stayed that way. Literal hours I tried telling Eric not to do this, but he wouldn't budge. I can't blame him because he REALLY does not like Zmanda and she has been gunning for him.
He also prefaced all of that with "Do not tell Kim." O rly? Well here is the predicament I was put in. If I tell Kim even asking her not to say anything, she will surely tell Zmanda who will probably do something to save herself and get rid of Eric. Well Eric is my friend and I'm not going to do that to him. But now the other option is lying to Kim about it. I tell Kim everything that goes on in these games and she follows suit with me. We're close and I would hate to be the one to betray a friendship that goes way way deeper than just this game.
But in the end, I knew I couldn't do something stupid. If Eric was going to vote Zmanda I PROBABLY wasn't going to tell Kim about it. I get I'm letting her friend go and that's awfully crappy of me, but I wanted to make a game decision here and Zmanda going isn't at all BAD for my game. I still didn't want it to happen just because I wanted MY plan to go through, but honestly either eliminating would have been fine for my game.
Well as the day wears on I think I convinced Eric to just vote Sierra basically for the sake of friendships. Everything else today is going according to plan. There are a lot of plans going into place this vote but only 1 is going to be successful and I hope that's mine.
I make my pimp ass vote and viola! Sierra goes!
Only thing that didn't go according to plan was Eric getting Jerri to use the idol on Heather. Well you can't win em all. Plus Erik going isn't AWFUL, for me at least. Eric hates the idea but I'm mostly good with it.
The PoV results made me super mad lol, because I knew if I won the PoV I would have taken Kim off the block and we'd BOTH be safe. With her winning she goes off the block and now I go up. I SHOULDN'T be at risk to leave or anything, but I think I've been on the block for just about every BB round in this game. It's just a weird feeling. I haven't been at risk ever while on the block so I GUESS that's a good thing I can point out later? I also just kinda wanted the comp win to put on my game resume. I miss being the PoV queen :(
But I think this is when my night started going to shit. So Sierra had been telling the truth to Zmanda for the longest time and idt she ever would have betrayed her. Because Zmanda thought she would betray Kim and I, she voted with us for her. Now granted, she didn't HAVE to vote for her with us, but she did.
I've been thinking way too much. I've been thinking too much about end game. The reason why I am saying too much is because I scare myself every time I do it. I hate whining about this in my confessional because I understand I need to do SOMETHING about it, but confessionals are for me to post my inner thoughts and mechanization so idec. As things stand I don't think I have a great shot at winning this game. I mean I've been able to float pretty well and I have at least pretty good relationships with people on the jury, but I haven't played as public of a game as Eric, Zmanda or Kim, and I haven't played as good of a floating/flipping utr game like Jeremiah. But here's the thing, all of them want me in the end with them. I'm guessing it is partially due to friendships, but I'm sure a big reason why they don't have second thoughts about it is that they know they could probably beat me.
I know there IS a way to still win at the end of all this, by no means am I counting myself out, but there aren't many ways I can see it happening. Is it worth it? That is the question I've been asking myself for a while. I just feel semi-defeated about it because the thought of eliminating Kim, Zmanda, or Jeremiah is cringe-worthy. Going to the end with some combo of Erik, Heather, and Jerri is also cringe-worthy, and I am legitimately not sure if it'd be worth it to make it to the end with them to get the win. PLUS, the win wouldn't be guaranteed because I'd be going back to my #mostburndedbridges ways. I don't want to do that, especially after how much it basically messed with my head after Epic 3. And I lost Epic 3, and would have lost at the end with Julie because of how I played. This time I have been trying to play a more Julie-esc game. It's weird like, "looking up" to a specific ORG player because it's just an online game, but I think I am? Being away 2 weeks and seeing the large personalities in the game is going to make a good case for me being sneaky and utr the whole game. One of Julie's big arguments last season was that she saw the big personalities and knew that laying low was and letting the threats take each other out was the way to go. I'm just not doing as good of a job as Julie is when it comes to social game (at least idt).
And also the threats don't want to take eachother out. Kim and Zmanda have a practically unbreakable bond. I've been really close to Kim for a WHILE (at least in comparison) and it's sad thinking that it's possible she'd go to bat and try saving Zmanda before me. WHEN YOU READ THIS KERI I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT'D BE A FAR TOO AWKWARD CONVERSATION. I KNOW WE ARE AND FOREVER WILL BE CLOSE FRIENDS AND I KNOW NOT BEING SUPER EMOTIONAL DOESN'T MAKE YOU SEE THAT SIDE OF ME A LOT, BUT IT'S THE TRUTH. It's not even like I'm jealous of any relationship they have because honestly that just isn't me. Hell if anything I am actually really happy it is working out between them after some negative first impressions. I think this is just me analyzing game wise that their relationship is pretty much way too close. I feel slightly bad I only know that because Kim and I tell eachother everything, and I would never want to betray that trust in the fear of hurting a friendship or even just for playing future games.
But anyway the REASON why that weird paragraph is in all this is because Kim came to me saying Zmanda wants an F3 with her, Kim, and I. This is the F3 that Kim has basically been dreaming about. Now I KNOW I could have just told her "Yeah that sounds great!" and been done with it, but I can't do that. I can't bring myself to lie like that to her and I told her about me being worried about being able to win against either of them. Essentially what I told her was probably a wake up call to me not necessarily wanting to go all the way to the end with her. We always have done things as a pair and we're always in things together, but this is the first time I think *I* have ever given her any reason to be concerned. She tried asking me well what can she do, what would I rather do, and I just didn't have the answer for her because I honestly don't have them. I just felt so weak not being able to tell her anything because I didn't know myself what I wanted to do, but I felt the need to talk to her about it anyway. She isn't going to lie to Zmanda and say I'm ok with it and I tell her that I think I just need to accept that me winning probably isn't going to happen.
Accepting that feeling is the worst thing in the entire world, especially after playing a game like this for SO long. Hell I've been away for 2 weeks of this game, but you better believe I am just as invested if not more than everyone else left. I'm too stubborn and I want too much to avoid the feeling of failure to just accept defeat. Or so I thought. I just felt like total crap by this point so I told her that's how I felt.
What followed honestly, got me REALLY mad. Basically what was happening, was Zmanda was telling Kim that if I wasn't going to commit to this F3 she was going to nom Eric in the place of Erik using her DPoV. In the words of Johnny Mac "NO. JUST. NO." I LITERALLY convinced him to vote for Sierra instead of her last round, and now he is going to be put on the block and probably eliminated because of it? That is something I was NOT ok with.
Somehow this all gets worse? Well yes it does. Kim THEN says that if I say no to it pretty much and I don't cut my ties with Eric, I'M getting evicted!?!? Zmanda would vote me, Heather would probably vote me, and SHE WOULD GUILT ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS TO VOTE ME. What the actual hell? Like, I can't understand why someone would do that. Ok, I mean I CAN game wise, but to me that just sounds like such a manipulative tactic. If I hadn't just gone on to Kim about how idk if I would stick with her and Zmanda to the end, then I would have felt mildly betrayed. But because I did I can't blame Kim in the slightest for taking me out as a game move. DO I think she would have done it? Honestly,
Yes.
And it hurts to think of that and looking back reading if I am wrong about all these assumptions between Kim and Zmanda I would be ecstatic. I just can't bring myself to bring up all this stuff and just ask Kim straight up about it.
But THREATENING me? Saying I would be evicted if I don't comply? I just can't deal with that. I think that was when I snapped. I wanted to protect Eric and I obviously didn't want to get eliminated. I WANTED to mean it truthfully but I would be lying to myself if I said I 100% thought I would go to the end with Zmanda and Kim. I told Kim yes I was sure I wanted to commit to the plan.
And yet.
Zmanda decides.
She is going to.
Nominate Eric.
Anyway.
I'm fucking done. I was just told he'd be safe if I did this, and now he is going up on the block next to me? This is like Chilltown being on the block next to each other. It is literally worst case scenario. Yes, I think in this game Kim and I have been closer (sorry Matt when you read this) but the Chilltown comparison still stands. I'm watching another close friend be put up next to me probably be eliminated. I am trying to do as much as I can about it. Any stratbot gameplay is being thrown out the window for tonight because I'm going all out to Zmanda trying to get her to keep Eric around just for one more round. Will it be fruitless? Probably. But am I going to try my darnedest anyway? Yes. When it comes to me in these things, if I have a close ally who I want to protect, I am fighting tooth and nail to make it happen. It's a (relative) flaw I have with my gameplay but this wasn't about gameplay at this point. Strictly for personal reasons I wanted to keep Eric in the game.
But alas no. I tried and tried and I tried talking to Zmanda and Kim about it for hours, but the bottom line was that Eric was going to be nommed next to me. I felt destroyed but I just had to sit there and watch it happen. I'm probably safe next to him because Kim and Zmanda will vote him, and Erik was just DPoVed off by Zmanda so she will probably vote his way. Only vote that may not go in my favor is Heather which I would understand considering Eric and Heather were closer than Heather and I.
And SOMEHOW, this isn't even over yet. I thought I could still be eliminated "because of a bunch of rules." I brought up to Zmanda and Kim that if Jerri gives her idol to Heather and she uses the DPoV on Eric, then no one is left to be eliminated except for me. I'd be screwed.
Now Kim was asking if Eric would do this to me after all that I just went through to try and save him, and I said of course he would. Matt isn't stupid, he is going to try and stay in as much and as long as he can, even if it means me getting eliminated. I would be the same way if I knew it was either me or him going and I told Kim that.
Well she still thought it would have been awfully crappy of him. She said that it WAS basically either me or him being eliminated this round, which was when the big picture for me started to settle.
If I had told Kim I didn't want to stick with her and Zmanda, I would have been eliminated. I know I try my best to tell the truth in games in general, and ESPECIALLY to Kim, but when I knew it was him or me being eliminated, why on earth would I say no? I know I have been an emotional wreck up until this point, and this is probably getting to Alina-level ranting in a confessional, but as a game player my primary goal is and forever will be to stay in the game.
Luckily for me the idoling scenario can't happen but it means Eric is going to go. I checked in with Erik just to make sure he was voting to keep me(I MAY have told him Eric would have voted for him over me the round before this just to ensure he'd vote to keep me even though I'm not sure that was 100% the case).
But now my night is done and I do my casual chill out stuff with Kim like we do every night as if everything is fine and dandy. I can't help but think that I may need to go back on this thing I have with Zmanda and Kim. To put a cherry on top of this craptastic sundae, Kim told me if I ever considered voting Zmanda, for me to vote her out instead. I don't WANT to do that, but if she is asking that of me then that is what I'll do, even if it means Zmanda is still around to make my life a living hell.
I oddly belive Zmanda will stick with me to the end. If I vote against her I am betraying her and she specifically told me how she only TRULY hates people who betray her. Yze, Katie, Spitler, etc. Zmanda is great too and if I vote for her it'd be a game more of course.
When I initially brought up my not being able to win concern, Kim brought up how Jerri and Heather would probably get no votes in the end, but bringing them to the end seems painful and unlikely, where she jokingly added in depending on what level of stratbot I have graduated to.
EVERYTHING I just posted above is basically my emotional ramblings about the game. For those of you who know me, you know I'm not a super emotional person but in games I'm definitely not a cut throat stratbot. I tend to balance emotional gameplay and strategic gameplay so that way I can have people like me in games and I still can get to the end and have a good shot at the win. It's tough to do that late game and I think here that is going to be just about impossible. So I told her the truth, if I was being a stratbot I wouldn't have spent the last several hours telling her I don't know about end game and trying to send Eric to jury etc etc.
But I think I HAVE to graduate to a level of stratbot here. Afterall, Kim was able to do it when getting rid of Eric. She WOULD have been able to do it had it been getting rid of Stephen a million rounds ago. I keep dancing around this with me being afraid to hurt her when I shouldn't have any reason to. It's a game, if I am trying to win she'll understand. I don't know what I am going to do yet, but I do know the thought of betraying Zmanda and Kim's absolute trust is stomach churning. What I NEED TO KEEP REMINDING MYSELF is that I was forced into this. I was gone if I said no to this proposition. It's a game, it's a game, it's a game. It's an AS game with friends in it, it's a game where I'm afraid what'll happen, but it's a game I want to try and win, even after all of this. Screw accepting defeat, it's time for me to try and deal with these next few rounds. One round at a time. I need to make it to the end with my best chance of winning. One. Round. At. A. Time.
Jeremiah is my ticket there. I recognized that at the start of the merge. I knew if something like this would happen, having someone like him would be vital to help me. I need to talk to him more about future plans because I know he is another one who wants to go to the end with me and he recognizes that the Kim-Zmanda bond is so strong. I have a lot to work out.
I'm sorry this confessional has gotten so long and rambly. When people read this post-game I hope no one is hurt. I don't even know if I'd be able to go through with vote Kim and/or Zmanda, but I'm telling you now that it is a real possibility in my book.
It's a game. Time to play it.
