I’m not usually into the whole public posting business, mostly because I can be way too passive and I try and stay out of situations that result in conflict. But reading everything here and with what I have been dealing with over the last few days, I think that all needs to stop here.

Quite frankly I got lucky. While I was away we had a BB round that took pretty much 1 week. I was nommed next to Dolly and Dolly had annoyed enough people to warrant taking her out over me even though I wasn’t going to be around much. Then the endurance for Los Muertos was on for another 2 days. That TC was when Fabio was idoled out by Erik. THEN we had the team challenge, where I was picked by Shontayla to be with Zmanda and Sierra. There you guys won the challenge (thanks in part by some throwing being done by Yul’s team) so I didn’t need to worry about TC. THEN we had a creative challenge and when you have Zmanda on your tribe for a creative challenge it may as well mean guaranteed immunity for your tribe (thank you again for writing my part). Finally as I began coming home, it was the first time I have had to go to TC in a looooong time, and I was home for it. Shontayla got eliminated thanks greatly to Ronnie, Mike, Jerri, and Heather having my back. As a matter of fact, my name was brought up early on (and I ended up getting a vote) but Ronnie was the one who was set to be the final target from the opposite voting side.

So as you can see, while I was away I do admit to having some very lucky circumstances. What is an ORG without a little bit of luck going in your favor? But to say I started fucking everyone over in my pre-alliance by myself is not only dumb, but wrong. Yes I voted Ronnie out, that was because I didn’t want Eric to have to play an idol and Ronnie still getting eliminated. I was nommed next to Monica on the block and had nothing to do with her vote off other than joining in that alliance with you (Zmanda), Kim, Sierra and Jeremiah. Mike went out because Sierra didn’t tell Kim or I about the vote and she organized Heather, Jerri, and Jeremiah to vote him out (don’t think this is 100% how it went down but close enough for this), Eric certainly didn’t get voted out because of me, unless you count that it was me or him and I happened to be liked by you and Kim more.

And then I fucked over Kim.

So to say I was “ protected by my "pre-alliance" (Which they can all fucking die too (and included Kim so that’s nice of you)) and then you go ahead and fuck them over” just isn’t right. You want to know the reason why I wrote that story and spent do long doing it this round? To show that I’m dedicated to this game, and that I’ve BEEN dedicated to this game even while away. I can’t understand why someone would ever question that, especially if they know me.

As far as my chances to win are involved. I had actually brought up this worry to Kim where she tried to encourage me, say I have a very good chance, etc. When YOU started that group chat, one of the first line that I saw was “We all have a great shot against one another in the finals”

I never thought it was true, but you did try to encourage me and honestly I started to get of my rut of just thinking I had no chance for being away. If that was all lies and fake, welp. If I didn’t think I would stand a chance in the end, there was NO way I did what I just did this past round. No way. If you read my confessionals you’ll see my (apparently at this point CLASSIC for epic) decent from playing super emotionally to trying to think more strategically. This happened last season when I lied to Fabio about voting him out (sorry) and voted out Eric who had been my F2 plan (also sorry). I don’t take these decisions lightly in the slightest, but I felt like those were moves that had to be done to get me in a position to win.

So why did I vote for Kim? Why did I vote to eliminate the person who I have become closest to in the ORG community, the person who I got to share the experience of playing my first ORG with, someone who I talk(ed) to every day in and out of game, someone who is basically THE REASON why I stay up late every night, because it means talking to her for as long as possible every day. Do you think this is a decision I took fucking lightly? THREE DAYS AGO is when I started to feel that my game wasn’t in a great spot. I was trying to see if there was a way I could navigate to the end of this game and win. Why not try and win after we all spent so long playing it? A month? A month and a half? And if you bring up that I didn’t play that long because I was away, well EXCUSE me. Ever since I have come back and BEFORE I left I have tried my damnedest to show my dedication to this game even while being away. I was trying my best to check the board while abroad, I was trying to talk to friends and allies as much as possible to try and stay connected with what’s going on. YES, I HUGELY acknowledge that my relationships with Kim and Eric and even Mike were the reasons why I was able to make it so far while being away.

But why did I vote Kim? Like I told you, like I told her, like I told everyone; I didn’t think I could beat her.

7 months of friendship came down to that. I will ALWAYS, alwaysalwaysalways, value a friendship like that over a game. It’s not worth winning if something as sacred as that was destroyed. I desperately hope it wasn’t, but you can believe me when I say I never EVER intended or thought it could happen.

While it’s not worth winning to lose a friendship, I never thought it COULD be lost. We have a good thing going and I don’t want it to stop over something like this. Voting for Kim didn’t mean I chose the game over her friendship. Voting for her meant that I wanted to have as good of a shot to win as possible (ok yes that sounds like choosing game first but). I’d like to think I’ll always have her friendship and I never, ever, try to take that for granted. If I knew trying to play to win a month and a half time sink would wreck 7 months of dedication, then ofc I never would have done it.

I just want to make what I did be worth the pain that it dealt. If I find out at the end that I truly had a 0% chance to win this entire time, I’m not going to be able to forgive myself. Until then I need to believe that I did, and still do, have a chance. Game wise I will not regret the move until I lose in FTC or get eliminated.

Personally and emotionally the regret started 3 and a half hours ago and won’t go away until I fix what was broken.

As far as the alcohol part, I'd be lying if I didn't consider it over the last few hours.

The Yul Kwon @ 15/8/2015 22:40

Guys. Guys. We're losing sight of what's important here. Spoiler + I still don't have a juror avvi -_-

Spoiler	+