Not sure if I want to put this in round 3 or round 4 since this really isn't an update about the game, so I'm just going to make this a random one of me trying to clear my mind. This is still a lot to take in.



I've had some time to digest what all happened, and I'm still dumbfound over it. It's still hard to believe that I am here. It's very eye opening, and good grief it made me realize just how stressful this game is. I was just evicted 4-3, but by some miracle I'm still here.

I don't know why Metta used the nullifier to keep me. I screwed him over by evicting Rachelle. I took away one of his closest allies, and I lied to him about it, but he still cared enough to use that to tie the vote.

I was angry at Drew for not using the veto. I kept telling him I was going to end up evicted, but he told me to just keep trying. To just trust them. It was really hard to do, but I think he was wanting to prove a point. I think he was wanting to show me that I can trust him. At one point I had completely given up. I didn't know what else to do. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know where to turn. I was 99.9% certain that I was leaving the game.

Alex immediately came to me after the veto ceremony and told me I had his vote. He told me that he wanted me to be there when shit hit the fan. I'm not sure what he meant by that, but I'm glad for his vote. It definitely made me closer to him.

I have a better relationship with Merron now. He's really a nice person. I had to work for his vote, but being honest made a huge difference. At that point had nothing left to lose, and I figured it was the only way to secure his vote. Had I kept lying to Drew, he would've been on the block next to Nicole so in a way we both saved each other.

I loved talking to Nicole, and I hate that she's gone, but better her than me. In a way it's my fault that that she was evicted. I blew up her game by being honest, but not only did I blow her game up, I almost blew myself right out of the big brother house. My honesty almost cost me.



I love you Nicole, but I'm glad that I'm still here.

I'm trying to be very humble around people, but I really just feel like dancing.


That's to all the people who wanted me out.

But anyway

I tried talking to Chicken George yesterday, and he just came at me. I get he's upset. I get that the "only person he was close to" was just evicted under unfortunate circumstances, and that she should still be here. But he really didn't need to make me feel tinier than I already felt. I sort of snapped at him. I didn't want to hear his reasoning - all I wanted was a chance to talk. And then he had the audacity to ask if we could still work together.

Well Chicken George, you blew your chance. I'll still talk to you as friends, but I'm not going to work with you. Sorry man, but I wish you the best of luck.

Devin talked to me, and we had a really long talk last night. He explained his reasoning for voting for me. He said that him and Nicole were close from the beginning, and that they made this deal way before the veto ceremony, and that Nicole didn't want it to seem like they had a good relationship, and that apparently I threw him under the bus by saying he opened the secret room. Okay, first off, I asked her if she thought it was him. Second off, why the hell would I do that? Anyway, we both were open with each other, and it was nice to clear the air. I told him that at the moment I don't know what my plans are for the future of the game because I still had to wrap my mind around everything that happened, but I'd definitely keep talking to him at least as friends.

I also talked with Lisa, and I love Lisa. She's an amazing person, and it sucks that she voted for me, but I understand it. She was also really open and we had a pretty good talk. She said what really swayed her vote was Metta pushing hard to keep me and it freaked her out because he was pushing hard to evict her when she was on the block. It's very understandable, and I can't fault her for making a game move. I can't fault anyone for making a game move. I told her that I had nowhere to turn, and I had to do something because I knew I didn't have Devin or Chicken George's vote, and she understood that. The round before she was facing eviction and felt she had no where to turn, and somehow she ended up staying, and that was what happened to me this last round.

While I enjoy talking to both Devin and Lisa, they drew the line.

I left the, alliance chat that I was in with Devin and Chicken George. Yeah, the circumstances were horrible, but I'm not going to work with them when they showed me where they stood.

As for Kaitlyn? I haven't even talked to her in like 60ish hours. Her and Chicken George hide under harry potter's invisibility cloak and it's super annoying. I don't plan on going out of my way to talk to her anymore. If she wants to talk, she can come talk to me.

I told Metta and Drew that I'm with them 100%. I've told Alex and Merron that I have their back, and that I'll remember this and repay them for it. Drew told me that I can trust him, and he's made that very clear.

I'm grateful that I'm still here. I've been given a second chance, and I plan on making the best of it.

I have a lot on my mind right now, and I just keep thinking about what Metta said on his way out. What is said is true, and I think that's why it's bothering me so much. And it's bothering me that something so simple is bothering me. It's a never ending vicious cycle.

Yes, I know I'm an emotion player - I'm the exact same way IRL too not just in these games. My emotions are all the tie getting the best of me, and it leads me to making stupid decisions sometimes. I'm not a very confident person. I rarely feel like I'm good enough. I know I make mistakes. I know that I'm just here - people tell me that all the time. I'm just here taking up space. I struggle with making friendships. I struggle talking to people. I have all these insecurities. I've tried so many times to gain confidence and to boost my self esteem, but I struggle at it. I think I'm doing well, but it's just a figment of my imagination. This is who I am, and I can't change it. I shouldn't be expected to be someone else in one of these games. Believe me, I don't like being this way, and it causes me to put myself down - I don't need someone else doing that. I always tell myself that I'm not good enough, that I'm just here taking up space. I've struggled with this for so long, and for Metta to just throw it out there like that was a slap across the face. He really hit the nail on the head there. I know he's angry because of how bad he was lied to, and I really don't think he was trying to be mean or anything, but damn. I'm not a shy person, but I am an extremely introverted person, and I'm terrible at building relationships because a lot of people that play these expect me to just jump right in and be able to build them, but I can't do that. I'm not very good socially. I struggle keeping conversations going, and it physically drains me. I've tried making actual friendships here, but I feel like it's all for nothing. I'm just not good enough, and I hate it. I'm not a robot that can walk around hiding my emotions, but it seems that's what people want. I take things personally even though I know I shouldn't. The person playing this game is the real me - I'm not playing a character.

I know I need to work on having more confidence in myself, and I know I need to work on improving my self esteem along with so many other things. I felt like I was doing so well, but something like this knocks me down making it harder and harder to stand back up. But I do stand back up, and I try my best to keep going even though it never feels like it's enough. I don't like giving up, and I always give it my all in everything I do just to finish something so I don't let myself down.

I'm glad I found these because they're a huge step out of my comfort zone, and I've learned so much from them. I've learned that I can step out of the boat onto the water, and that's huge for me. I learned that I'm capable of challenging myself. I've learned that I'm able to do things if I set my mind to it. Yes, I still have my doubts and fears, but I'm doing everything I can. I'm showing myself that I can talk to others. That it's okay to be myself. I don't have to hide who I am, but damn I got knocked down hard, and it makes me feel like I can't be the real me. I play these for fun because I have so much going on irl that these offer an escape, and they've been so much fun.

I'm going to finish out this season doing the best I can, but after this I'm done for a while.

I need to really work on these insecurities that I have. I need to find a way to build my confidence and self esteem. If anyone has any ideas, please let me know because I can really use it.

Once I gain more confidence and improve my self esteem, I'll come back and play these again.